one year

one year ago i spent this next two weeks saying my goodbyes to one of the only 2 women i’ve ever been in love with. She didn’t tell me she was sick till it was too late and there was nothing that could be done. Seeing her in that bed at the hospice center is something i will never forget. She went from this gorgeous and vibrant woman to someone i didn’t recognize. during my last 2 weeks with her i refused to leave her side even though it killed me every second of every day to know that there was nothing I or anyone could do to save her cause she didn’t tell any of us till it was to late. She was skin and bone couldn’t physically eat or drink anything and couldn’t even really talk to us. But i sure sang her our song and got to see one last smile.

This year im planning my wedding and it should be an extremely happy time for me but i haven’t slept in 3 days cause everytime i close my eyes and try to sleep i see her there in that bed all over again and it hurts just as much as it did then. My fiance wants me to talk about it but im just not ready this pain helps me to know that i loved her with everything i had and still do. I miss her everyday but right now all i want is her back for even 5 minutes. One more hug, one more kiss, one more I love you from her lips. Its not much to ask but ik i’ll never get it cause that’s just not how death works.

I haven’t told my fiance that the day she died i tried to follow (obviously i failed) I just don’t want him to see me as being that weak. Im so strong about so many other things. Take my Fibro for instance I flare so bad sometimes that i should probably go to the er but i push through and try not to let anyone see if i can help it. Though to be honest im learning he sees it no matter how good i hide it or fight it. Hes a great man and i cant help but to think as i sit here writing this that she sent him into my life cause she knew i needed him. When me and him met i was back in my deep depression thinking i just wanted this life to be done with. I just wanted to be with all the people that i loved so fiercely but were taken away from me; My mom both sets of my grandparents even a few of my children. Then here he comes making me smile and want to fight to live instead of roll over and die.

Anyways im gonna close here now that ive got some of it out but let me just say

NEVER MISS THE CHANCE TO TELL SOMEONE YOU LOVE THEM CAUSE THE END COMES OUT OF NOWHERE AND WE CANT STOP IT