A Place To Start
So, I’m starting this diary because it’s supposed to be therapeutic or something like this.
Even writing here where no one knows me makes me anxious. I wonder, what went wrong with me in the process of growing up…
I’m so scared all the time. Scared of everything: my family, my colleagues, even random people on the street. And, of course, myself. I’m scared of myself the most.
This is my attempt to deal with this fear in a healthy manner. Not to get rid of it, as it is impossible, but make it manageable. To push through it, I need to have some confidence in myself and my skills. To regain some control over my life again.
I wrote ‘again’ but did I have any control in my life? My adolescence was always dominated by my mother, even if she wasn’t there. Especially when she wasn’t there. But I think it’s finally has come to this. I, either regain my control or spiral down into the abyss. Sadly, there is no third way.
I can’t continue to ignore my problems.
I have to admit that they exist.
My wife has free-floating anxiety and I have bouts of it. Some of it is a form of PTSD from emotional abuse. About control: I’ve learned there is very little “control” in life. You can control how you deal with life and that’s about it, as trite as that sounds. Giving up attempts to control life is liberating. That’s why I think I deal better with the anxiety better than my wife. I’m also a bit of a behaviorist in that you can “fake it ’till you make it.” Most of us feel like a fraud now and again. Also, don’t be afraid to use a bit of medication. Just a tiny, tiny bit of Xanax takes the edge for me when I get a little anxious. Remember than you don’t have to please anyone but yourself. OK, free, unsolicited advice over.  😀
@solovoice
Thank you for your comment! I was very happy to receive it 😀
Actually, a few years ago I realized that I was trying too hard to control my life, so I mostly gave up these attempts. I agree, it was very liberating at first but I didn’t know what to do with my life anymore. So, my definition of control now has become somewhat different from the usual one. It is to have confidence to deal with whatever life throws at you without freezing in place or running away. Even if you’re scared, you just have to push through it.
I’m not sure about using medication (I’m a little afraid of being addicted as I have examples of this in my family) but thank you for your advice anyway.
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Writing is good, it’s the freedom to say what you want and not be judged. Stay strong, nobody here knows you so think and express yourself how you please.
Vince
@vince2day
Thank you for your kind words! I’m certainly excited to try this new (for me) way of expressing myself 🙂
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Yes, face your fears. I have troubles doing this but we must. No going down the abyss.
@zombieinfusedtea
We must, indeed 👊
P.S. Sorry for the late reply.
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I would love to hear more about your journey. I am rooting for you. Remember, one day at a time 🙂
@starcrysta
Thank you for your comment! It’s incredible how just a few kind words can be so powerful and encouraging.
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