02 feb. 2025; friends and reflections.

Dear diary,

Today it’s Sunday, right now it’s 4:33 pm and I want to talk about my friends, especially my best friend who i spent slept here tonight.

Her name is Laura, she’s three month younger than me (born in april; she’s an Aries!). She really is like a bonus sister, even my parents cal her “their bonus daughter”, although we don’t see each other that much.

We met online during the 2020 pandemic, brought together by the same taste in music. We talked and talked for hours, covering each and every topic we could think of. To put it shortly, we instantly clicked, as if we were meant to be together all along. I love her since day 1.

Given that we met at just 18, we both grew SO much side by side, despite us living in different – and distant – cities. We laughed and cried, played games, wrote letters to each other. We were attending different high schools, her goal was to become a beautician and mine to go to uni; therefore she graduated just a few weeks after we started talking. Hence, we never talked that much about in-real-life friends, relationships, teachers etc. (well, ofc I told her about my day at school, but that wasn’t something we could ever bond on).

Anyways, at some point in the beginning of 2022 we met two boys. I already had various encounters by this point (long story, maybe I’ll talk about it another time), while she was totally unexperienced. What we had in common was this immense insecurity and need to be romantically loved.

Ironically, despite us still being so far away, our love stories had some stuff in common: both guys were met on Tinder, both were of asian origins and both were super nerds.

When I started dating Liam, we had this weird, undefined relationship where we pretty much did all the “lovebirds” stuff (holding hands, reading poems to one another, cooking together, having sex) right away. Both of us were EXTREMELY hurt by past relationship and in need for someone that could perhaps distract us from all the pain we were going through. Yet that was just a situationship. He never was my boyfriend. After two months, he texted me that he didn’t want to keep seeing me.

But this entry is not supposed to be about me, so back to Laura and Eddie (her boyfriend): they took thing wayyy slower, at least in the beginning). To be honest I kind of liked him – I saw him as this good-looking, nerdy, unexperienced guy – so I was fine with them dating. I was happy for my friend. Little did I know about how ugly thing were gonna get.

It was a matter of time before Eddie showed his true colors; he’s manipulative, misogynistic, homofobe, disrespectful… I could go on for days. There were time where I was genuinely worried for Laura – her desperate need for validation and love is still there, she would do ANYTHING for him. She started cooking for him and going to his place to clean his stuff, which he was lazy to clean himself. He started telling stuff like “you’re a woman, that’s your job” and other garbage. Everyone in Laura’s family dislikes him very much. We all thought for a split second everything was over about a month and a half ago, when she broke up with him. They were planning on living together but the situation was, to put it simply, unsostainable. Her mental health deteriorated in the past year; we all watch her digging her own grave while feeling helpless.

Of course, after less than a week, they were back together.

Even just speaking about it has me fuming.

As I said at the beginning, we had a sleepover at my place, after spending the day in the city. She sounds… brainwashed. And I know it’s not entirely Eddie’s fault, it’s also hers. She convinced herself this is as good as she can get in life. She left her job six months ago to move at his place and is now looking for a new job in his city. I hate, HATE this, but at the same time I know I have to stay strong, to stay by her side, because this is how toxic relationships works and she will need me when she’s ready to let go. I feel so drained and helpless, I’m so, so scared.

Seeing her suffering makes my heart ache, just like seeing Jack, my boyfriend, struggling with his own mental health battle. I don’t want to go into detail for him as well, as this entry is already way too long. But keeping both of them tight is so tiring and painful. I do that only because letting go would mean losing two amazing people who, despite everything, still manage to give me good times, fill me with their love, cheer me up when I’m the one struggling.

I just hope they will both get what they need, I just hope I can rest a little.

x, Ollie

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