03 feb. 2025; I need to live in the moment.
Dear diary,
Today I feel anxious. I keep thinking about my baby, although they don’t physically exist yet. I’m scared.
My rational side hopes I don’t come across an unplanned pregnancy at this stage of my life. I have a lot of stuff to do first and I’m doing everything to prevent it. Having a baby now I know I would lose a big portion of what I have right now, including my relationship with Jack. I know I couldn’t bear everything that would come with it: angry parents, drastic changes in my body, the gender dysphoria, the fear of losing the pregnancy. It would be too much for me. At the end of the day, I’m just a 23-year-old that struggled a lot already just to mature a little.
On the other side, however… I got my period a few days ago and it was so sad. I always hated period, but now I associate it with not being pregnant. I think of the dead egg, that wasn’t fertilized in time. It’s heartbreaking.
I know I have to be patient. I will be a parent someday, I just know it. But I’ve never been good at waiting.
I still remember something that happened more than a year ago. It was before Jack, at the time I was dating Timmy. Timmy and I would have unprotected intercourse because we were both very stupid and reckless. That was until a point I was suddenly aware of my actions. I was finally conscius about the possibility of getting pregnant. I took Plan B a few days after our last time and I felt horrible. I felt like I was killing my baby, although realistically speaking Plan B prevents ovulation and fertilization, so if I had already conceived it would likely not make me miscarry. From that moment, I always used protection.
I need to breathe, meditate, appreciate my life for what it is right now. I already have many struggles ahead, like learning how to drive without being anxious (I already have my license, but after THREE accidents I’m scared of driving again). But I know I will overcome all of my fears, I always do.
x, Ollie