f the holidays

today i find myself alone again, always alone, in a house full of people i am alone.

Im trying my best to get through the holiday season as it reminds me of some very bad events in my past.

I HATE the holidays but try to keep that on the dl so my family doesnt have bad memories of me on the holidays

my family is non existant this time of year

last year my dad showed up the day after and didnt even take his presents

no one called me, its a hard time already growing up without a family and then no one shows them what real family is our older generation is the last of a dying breed and its saddening. my brother and my sister only call me when they need something, same with my father.

my mother lost my sister in a house fire and i remember her slamming doors and crying alot around those times, i unfortunatly never got the opportunity to meet that sister, but i still feel as if she is protecting me somewhere somehow, at least i hope. the world is turning into such a strange enviroment that it definatly feels like our time is numbered,

family should always come first, however with my husband the automatic helper , never says no husband is always helping everyone else  than to realise im totally struggeling, i have [tsd and bac and im not the easyest person to be around im frightened by alot of things and i struggle every. single. day.  my  biggest fear is slowly becomming my reality, being alone. i dont know what i did to deserve any of this, but here i am.

constantly repeating myself, no one seems to ever hear me, and when they do it seems like they are always hearing the opposite. i hate life and the only thing keeping me going is my kids

no one will make sure they are safe like me, no one will worry like i do and no one will ever love them as much as i do.

as for my parents, i fucking hate them. my mom has been incard=cerated since 1994 and tells me if i dont write her shes gonna kill herself

my father, well has anger issues and explodes every chance he can i seen him throw my little nephew across the room bashing his head into a heavy entertainment center when i was younger and among other things he scares me, he scares me to the point where i would never tell him no out of fear. remembering my first anxiety attack, he didnt understand what was going on,, neither did i, couldnt breath couldnt stop crying nothing then my ydad picked me up and bashed my head into a wall 10 times or so


this is the first year where i been distancing myself from him for over a year now, and i started having audio hallucinations of him threatening me and criticizing me every chance my mind tries to rest.

im so sick and tired of taking care of everyone around me and no one even acknowledges me mainly my siblings n husband and every one i ever helped


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December 12, 2020

So sorry. Sending u hugs