it’s my life..

IT’S MY LIFE (No Doubt)

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I love this song. Some people kill. SOme people adapt. Some people are stepped on.

Regardless.. I adapted and was stepped on.But I could’ve killed.. When I was beat and hurt. I had the rage. I am glad I didn’t but I know how it feels to be that angry, that scared, that out of control. I got even once after a very heated arguement with my ex husband. He hit me with a broom, I hit him over and over with a baseball bat. If my family wasnt inside and came out and yanked me off him..Who knows.

I like to think, I am a better person, That I wouldn’t have. But I have gone over it in my head before. I can not honestly say. That is the scary thing. I think my sister saved me on many accounts. I am lucky she is in my life. Sorry I know..random. But lately when I have had all this free time to think, I have thought of things like that. I also have thought on the fact…that I don’t think Anyone from my past loved me.

I think they all liked the idea of me..Until they lived with me. Then they found out there is more to me then they realized. That I am mentally ill. It isn’t an easy thing to handle. I worry that I won’t find anyone that can handle that part of me. It is a big part of me too. I would hate for someone To settle for me and just love the parts they are comfortable with. I am the type of person that when I love someone I love all parts. every part. Even the flaws. Mostly because the flaws make him just as attractive as the other parts.

I had several notes that said to love myself and my son and be happy with that until the rest comes along. I am happy with my son, and myself. But..I want more then just myself. Yourself doesnt keep you warm at night. Yourself isnt there to hold you and quite frankly..Can you really spend your whole life just being single and not..want more?

That idea is ludicrious. I Don’t want my whole life to be a single mother with nothing more.

I don’t want my whole day to revolve around getting up, taking care of my son, making money to get by and going to sleep by myself..No matter how I try to make the picture cheerier..I still long for more. And to pretend I don’t want more is..insipid. I also don’t want to settle for a person that only likes my company. I want a person, that makes me feel alive unlike I ever have.  I want some one to long to sleep in my bed with me. I want someone that looks forward to my phone calls, someone that wants to spend time with me. The don’t do it..because they feel obligated. They want to. That is what I want. I want a friend more then the romantic part. I want someone. And that won’t stop.

I know this isnt the most cheerful entry I got more..news.

Well I am gonna see my grandparents today in 1 hour and 12 minutes. Sorry Tony for my phone cutting out on you. *hugs tony* Sorry Ian ..my computer acted wacko and I just closed it down for the night.

I have come to the conclusion that some people no longer want to talk to me. *shrugs*

Oh well. I will miss them. But I am not dying or anything.

*hugs everyone* Tiamo mi amigos y mi amigas.

Siarai