Well, now what?

Shit, I have to grow up now.

Got a call Monday night from the history department. Apparently my professor’s illness over the summer means that the entire M.Phil has been cancelled. I already have aquired a job, so I’m okay there, despite being here and paying Dublin rent, now without the use of my student loan. The aforementioned lecturer is also retiring, so despite being able to take the masters next year, it will have been changed a great deal- I have had my heart set on this damn thing and now I don’t know what the hell to do. I need to think and plan things, but I don’t know what. Its hard to choose between the life I have here and the possible one I could have in the states; I’ve wanted so much to be back here, with Bear and my friends/roommates, that I am having a hard time conceiving of making a different choice. I have become momentarily childlike when I cannot afford it- how can I make a decision that requires me to think the unthinkable? Part of me is determined to stay here and cling to what I have left of my dream, but I don’t know what meaning daily life will have for me without the context of that dream. This is simply too big, too overwhelming to grasp. I feel like I am grieving, disconnected from the world and myself, manically joyful with people and then near weeping in despair at actually having to choose. I need to reorient myself, find another direction to aim at. Even just having to move my belongings seems too horrible a task to contemplate.  I hate being forced into things like this- I finally made a decision, had a goal, and now its all screwed up. Dammit.

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October 12, 2007

Wow. *Hugs*

October 12, 2007

::hugs:: Good luck hon. You’ll figure something out. ~

October 19, 2007

::hugs:: You’re very intelligent and I hope you’re having some luck with these decisions. I know it’s hard, but you know, it’s life and you can always change your mind (even though it may be hard). But you know what? I have complete faith in you that everything will be ok and you’ll overcome this. Let me know how things are going. Good luck! My thoughts are with you.

October 19, 2007

And just to clarify they are good thoughts, not the evil plotting kind. I hope you laughed or at least snickered at that comment =P

October 23, 2007

RYN: I know what you mean! I mean, while I really did enjoy Snape’s storyline, and wish he could have learned to love more maturely – the fact that he does it all for Lily is not as admirable than as if he had been able to truly care for Harry, get over the past, or realize that Voldemort and those beliefs were truly WRONG.

October 23, 2007

RYN: oohhh what kind of job? And yeah you got me… they were the evil plotting kind. I thought I Was being sneaky too. Blasts. Failed again.

October 26, 2007

RYN: The only reason I’m quick to dismiss the suggestion of him being autistic, is because I know how he’s grown up and how that can effect someone’s interpersonal skills. A child separated from other children and barely doing anything day in and day out is not going to connect well with other kids. I think if he was like this and was socialized well, I would think well yeah.. maybe he’s autistic. In any case, I do agree he needs to be evaluated by someone outside of the school.. and it angers me that my sister probably won’t do it.