10 years later still not ok 🩸

10 years later plus some 

So I’ve finally reclaimed my diary from over 10 years ago. Reading back on my entries, I’m surprised at how articulate I was even though my body was starving. Yet here I am over 10 years later and I am still not ok. I replaced my eating disorder with alcohol, got removed from my home just before covid happened because of self harm. I guess thanks to covid I am now back at home with my family. If you were to ask me if I’m better, the answer would be no. However, I am very grateful to be back home with my kids. My thoughts are still very dark. I think about overdosing or slitting my wrists on a daily basis and a few times I’ve thought about jumping off the bridge and taking my chances. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids and family but sometimes my thoughts overcome me and I act impulsively. I am not well. I am fat and I don’t like living in my own skin


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May 13, 2020

Learning how to be inside of a human body can be very difficult.  I’ve gone through bodily distress badly enough that I would take off all my clothes and wipe my body like as if I was trying to take this meat sack off.  It was too heavy and cumbersome, it was smothering me.  I wanted to be free from it, like a bird being let out of her cage.

It passed.  Time moved on.  I was then focused on other things.

Can you see that?  The struggle abated.  The situation changed.

How long have you had a human body?  I’ve had mine for 44 years.  Mine has a lot of damage but there’s still plenty of good (and good enough).

How tall or short are you?  I used to be 5 feet and 6 inches but I’m a shrinker.  I’m now five feet and 4 inches.

If becoming okay is possible, do you want it?

May 15, 2020

@elcreature thank you for commenting. Meant a lot to me. I do want to be better one day. Just have to learn how to quiet the dark thoughts.

May 14, 2020

I’m sorry you’re still not ok.

Life can be very difficult. To the point of not wanting to deal with it anymore. I’ve been at that point. Recently, even. The only thing that keeps me going is that when my daughter was born I looked into her hours-old face and promised that, whatever happened, whether I thought it was worth it to me personally or not, I would stick around on Earth for her for as long as I could. My husband wants me to make the same promise to him, but, forgive me, I love my daughter more.

Sometimes reality seems crushing to me. I look in the mirror, and there is a sharp, wrenching disconnect between what I see in the mirror and how I see myself. I’m not sure how to reconcile the two, but I’m trying.

No judgement here, just acknowledgement of your struggle. And, though mine is not the same, some of what you have written resonates with me, too.

May 15, 2020

@smokedragon thank you for commenting. I can relate as well to the disconnect. It’s so hard sometimes but like you, once my daughter was born I was determined to fight. Sadly I feel lately that that same determination is wearing off. But I mean still here and as long as I am, I’ll keep fighting