At a standstill

So I’ve been doing pretty good for awhile now at not eating after 7pm and most days I usually only eat one meal cuz my sleep schedule is so messed up rn. I’m wide awake at night and then I sleep in. Takes me a few hours or more after waking to feel hungry or weak enough to forcey myself to eat something. Nothing is appealing to me usually which I think is one of the reasons I wait so long to eat. The last few days my weight has been at a standstill even with only eating the one meal a day. I’ve been feeling high lately too as I’ve been wanting to stop taking my medication but then the brain zaps get to me and I end up taking it at around 6pm. My mind is foggy, I just don’t feel normal. I can’t stop picking the skin off my feet to the point that it hurts so bad to walk. Picking relaxes me in a way I guess. Anyways I’m all over the place but been reading back on ya diary to 2007 and wow. I can’t believe I’m still having the same struggles. I really need to figure out why I do this.

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June 5, 2020

Why you do it: lack of discovery.  Things you haven’t discovered yet.  When you explore and examine and learn, you’ll grow – and then you’ll change.

If picking at yourself were a symbolic behavior then it would indicate that you’re a very picky person and that your pickiness probably applies to anything and everything.  For example, let’s say you have a therapist and after so much time you’ll start picking out things about the therapist you don’t like.  Or maybe occasionally you’ll pick out things you do like but probably, more often than not, your focus would be on negatives instead of positives.  Or maybe you’d be shopping for new curtains and each one you look at you’ll pick out everything that isn’t right and everything you don’t like and then you’ll never be able to find good enough curtains.  This would leave you absolutely miserable, and very very dark.

If picking relaxes you then it makes me think that it doesn’t really but what relaxes you is that you’re intently focused on something.  And that would mean that you have a strong need to be mentally engaged with something.  But for some reason, you seem to gravitate toward negativity – very strongly.  Have you ever explored why you’re so drawn to negativity?  Is positivity repulsive to you?

June 5, 2020

@elcreature holy crap. Wow. Everything you wrote is so true. Are you a therapist? You just described me to a T. Wow. Thank you for that helpful insight. And actually what you wrote last I found very interesting because since I started cutting when I was 15 I did love the negative attention. It almost gave me a high. I hated being complimented and still do. I have no idea why but when I get negative attention, it def feels better than positive attention. That part I haven’t figured out yet. Hopefully one day I will.

June 6, 2020

@skinney4life I also cut myself when I was 15.  I used a screwdriver and cut my leg with it.  It’s the only time I did it and it was very spontaneous.  My issues at the time were: being a new foster kid, sexual abuse, being unsupported (read: unloved), being a teen mom, and being alone with all the thoughts and feelings of self and life.  These are massive burdens, and the cut was an act of frustration and pressure that had built up but there was no means for resolve.  Pills and therapy, for me, are and were of no resolve – as they often aren’t for many people – and if you think about it, those things – help that isn’t helping – simply adds to the burdens.

Nope, I’m not a therapist.   I’m just a helpful sort of person by nature.  It took me a lifetime to learn how to help myself.  I’ve always been better helpful to others than to myself but I did eventually learn, and grew and changed as a result.  Having a lot of adverse experience in life enables me to help others who also experience adversity.  I’ve always had a good eye.  I remember one time, my stepfather was working on the car and I stood by watching.  I was around 11 or 12 years old.  He spent a lot of time looking for something and so I stepped forward and looked into this car engine, having no knowledge about any of it, but I saw something that looked weird to me and so I pointed it out to him and whatever it was, a tube or wire or something, I had found the problem.  Lol.  It’s not always that easy, though.

Do you remember your very early childhood?  Ages 3, 4, 5 and 6.  Can you recall if you experienced anything that changed you?  If so, can you remember the way you were before the change?  The thing you would be looking for here is whether you’ve always had a negative orientation or if you were positive but had an experience that changed you.  It matters because those ages and experiences are when the primary foundation of self is established.  And it would mean that the foundation of self is where you need to focus to do some work, which will benefit your adult self a lot.  Do you already have a relationship with your inner child?  If not, building that relationship with her could be exactly what you need.  Those of us who had abusive, neglectful parents and traumatic experiences have to become the inner child’s leader later in life.  It helps.

 

June 5, 2020

I don’t know what to say except I am sorry you feel like this.

June 5, 2020

@jaythesmartone thank you 💞

June 5, 2020

So, as to why you have stopped losing weight: your body has adapted to using fewer calories. Calorie reduction can only take you so far until your body goes into fuel-efficient mode and adapts. If you’ve restricted too far, it actually goes into starvation mode.

In order to be healthy while losing weight you need to make healthier food choices (things with more vitamins, minerals, and proteins). And you need to have activity that significantly raises your heart rate for several minutes.as

For the rest I have no answers.

June 5, 2020

@smokedragon thank you for this information. I definitely need to add in more Exercise and healthy food choices. I will give this a try. Was down another pound today so that felt good.

June 8, 2020

Sometimes recovering, or becoming better can be a bumpy road, so being back where you were does not mean you are failing. This may be a bad time for you right now, but it does not mean its permanent. There is not much I can say, without repeating what others have said in the comments, but as someone who repeatedly goes through hard times, let me say you can get through this. You are strong. 

(Sorry for the random font change it was not intentional-)

June 11, 2020

Just wanted to say I am very sorry you are going through this and you feel the need to restrict yourself. I understand the sleep schedule thing, I used to go through that and still do from time to time.