Lost

Don’t know how long my journey will last. It’s been a struggle for sure but has had its ups. I’m tempted all the time to just take chance, play Russian roulette with my life so to speak. It’s only takes me a split second to join the game. The outcome so far, I’ve been so lucky and I’m grateful for that. Way too much going on and I don’t think I’m coping well. My sister turned to drugs and lost her kids, we used to be close but now she hates me. My Nana is in a care home and started having delusions. She has dementia. She was brought to the ER two days ago as they thought she might be having another stroke. She’s had a few. My dad called me to go pick her up. Wasn’t expecting to pick her up from the psych part of the ER.  Broke my heart to see her that way. She looked horrible and in her bath robe and was telling me there had been a crime scene at her place and that she had been conned and couldn’t believe it.  She said Nobody believed her and everyone was telling her she was crazy. Nothing I could do but go along with her story and just listen. No point in trying to contradict her as that would only make things worse. She was so happy to see me and for that I am grateful. At least she still remembers me. However, they had to put her on haldol to manage her agitation and from what I’ve read haldol isn’t great for the elderly with dementia as it increases their risk of death. Anyways she now has to be isolated for 2 weeks in her room because she went to the hospital. Thankfully she has a care aid with her. My thoughts are crazy. My mind feels like shutting down but am trying my best to stay strong.