Struggling so hard to keep it all together. The drama and emotions of everyone in my family has been overwhelming. I just want everyone to be happy so I try so hard to make everyone’s life easier and more peaceful, this is what my dad used to do and I know it’s not healthy, however I can’t seem to feel happy or settled and At peace unless everyone else is ok. At 9:30pm tonight I helped my 15 yr old with her homework as she was in tears the other day and ready to give up. I came up with some ideas and spent over an hour with her trying to do her shadow puppet assignment. My kids attend an arts school so they have a lot of creative assignments. Anyways, about 30 mins after my daughter started to try and put the shadow puppet video together she stormed upstairs and said she emailed her teacher and said she can’t do it cuz she thought it wasn’t good enough. She stormed back downstairs and slammed her door. I thought I had helped to relive her stress and I felt good and settled. This was already 11:30pm. I just wanted to relax by that time so it really frustrated me because I thought I fixed it all and everyone was happy. Didn’t work out that way and since then I haven’t been settler. My daughter takes after me in too many ways….it kinda scares me. She obsessively worries about almost everything, she’s a straight A student…always has been, and she’s very moody. I know a lot of that is due to hormones I just really hope she doesn’t end up like me. My son who is 12 is very caring and kind and sensitive but bottles up his emotions like I do and tends to explode when things get to be too much. He tends to break his stuff, cut his clothes, rip apart his room. I also hope he doesn’t end up like me. I feel so lost as to how to help and I just want everyone to be happy. I really don’t want to pass on this generational lack of coping skills. I’m trying so hard but sometimes my head feels like it will burst. Just so much going on and I have a hard tile handling it all so I turn it all inward and I know that isn’t healthy.
PAST RELATIONSHIPS/MORE OF MY STORY
I’ve only had three bfs in my life. My first was when I was 18. He was Punjabi. He met my parents and asked for their permission to marry me. They gave him the go. I went to stay with him at his parents home in Toronto hoping to be proposed to. I was fat then as the medication I was on then made me gain a lot of weight. I had never been overweight before in my life until I started taking medication. Anyways, his mom tried giving me diet tips etc. Needless to say when I went back to BC, he Lives in Toronto, he ignored my calls and gave me a fake address saying he moved to Australia where his brother lived. This was in the days before cell phones so I used to sit at home in the hopes that he might call. I was anorexic by this time. I couldn’t leave the house because I was terrified I might miss his call. Eventually he reached out and told me his mom threatened to kill herself if he married me as she wanted him to marry a Punjabi and this is why he lied. I understood but it hurt. He has since married and has a son and we still talk from time to time.
Now, because I was hurting, I was looking for a rebound and one day While I was at the club I randomly chose someone to ask to dance. From that day on we became a thing. Three days after I met him he asked me to marry him. He was from Bangladesh and even called his dad to tell him about me and his dad gave his permission to marry me but with the warning to be careful of white girls. I was severely anorexic at this point and self harming almost daily. I wasn’t in my right mind. We dated for awhile and it was good but I didn’t feel that connection you know You feel when your smitten and so in love. I tried to break up once and he went mad. He burnt himself with cigarettes in front of me. Carved a K ( my first initial) in his chest and smashed his parents picture. I felt so bad and so I got back with him. All his older married Bangladeshi friends kept telling me that I should marry him because he loves me so much etc. So eventually I caved and we got married. My eating disorder got worse and worse. I was about to get admitted to St. Paul’s hospital but then I got pregnant and that changed everything. I began to eat whatever I felt like. I gained 60lbs during my pregnancy. Started out at 95lbs. Even the docs we’re telling me I needed to slow down my weight gain but at that point I didn’t care. My baby was all that matter and had all my focus. It only lasted awhile before the dark thoughts took over again ….
gotta end this here pick up on another entry as this is getting very long.