I went in to work today hoping to work a full day. My work in the factory is now just bullshit work. Preparing to close the factory and doing many odd little jobs. If I see something needs to be done, I do it.
Today I came in and saw that the sidewalk needed the snow shoveled off it. I got a snow shovel and went at it. A coworker had used a snow blower to make a narrow path up the 60 or so yard long sidewalk but the walk needed much work. There was ice under an inch of new snow. I went at it pacing myself. Watching my breathing and heart rate. At one point, the owner came walking up the sidewalk from the parking lot with some meaty breakfast fast food in hand. He asked it I wanted it. I told him I am teeth and eating impaired since having a tooth extracted. I had told him a few times about the operation. Like, WTF dude?
When I was finished shoveling, I poured bags of salt into a large barrel and took it out to the sidewalk and salted the length of it. My back was getting very sore. When I was finished and went inside, the owner saw me and was ONLY CONCERNED ABOUT HOW MUCH SALT WAS LEFT AND THAT I HAD USED! No, “hey great job!”. In front of him I patted myself on the back and said, “hey nice job Scott!”. Shortly after that he asked me if I was “cold”. I worked hard to not explode in anger at him. Yes it is cold out. BITTERLY COLD THIS MORNING! The hard work kept me warm but as I write this I still feel cold. I snarled at the company owner that maybe HE needs to do some hard work like that. He taunted me by asking, “Oh are you in a mood”? I told him I am ok. I had to cool myself off inside. A few minutes later I yelled TO him: ” I love you much some times!” I thought it a great line. We both laughed. Few minutes later I saw my boss walking toward a warehouse. I told him what had happened. He smiled and said he had heard some of it. I told him, “I got a heart full of bitch today”. I asked if I could leave early and he said no problem. HE was leaving early and I did not want to take orders from the owner. I get whiplash from constantly shaking my head about him. I understand why his company is going out of business: He has no leadership skills and is a bit of an idiot. Yeah he means well and tries to be nice but there are so many moments in which he shows 0 humanity. I would not be surprised if he fired but fuck it: Shit happens and we deal with it. Aside from my boss, I have been the only person that speaks up to him. Today I was ready to blow-up on his stupidity and just have one moment of glory before I burst into flames going out the door firing myself.
I looked at my financial situation and believe I can get through March ok. After that… oh shit. Deal with it. My ex girl friend is Chinese living in Denmark. She is having a rough time. Lost her job and some government help. She is doing whatever cleaning jobs she can find. Even after our break-up of almost 2 years ago I have been helping her when I can. Today, I sent her $50 through paypal. I figure it would buy some food or something. ADD to her life. I had to look inside me to ask WHY I did it. Was it to help her or make myself feel good? Was I expecting anything in return? Something sexual? I believe I did it because it felt good. Because it was a good thing to do that would help someone. She owes me nothing. She does not offer anything. She calls me, “good heart Scott”. We never had a sexual relationship so it was not anything to do with that. One of various reasons I broke things off WAS because of lack of anything sexual sensual OR ROMANTIC. I think it is important that we give without expecting anything in return. Give and let go. She and others owe me 0. Over the years I gave to many. When I felt they were ungrateful or owed me something in return, I realized that I was the person with a problem about giving, not them.
On the way home from work today, I stopped at my local grocery (Kroger). I got some broccoli and a can of minestrone soup (among other things). I cooked the soup and broccoli. Added cooked noodles and a cooked veggies. Poured all of it into a food processor and ground it all into a paste. Mostly brownish in color. I ate it. It looked like shit. Yeah I know: I do talk about shit a lot. Shit is often a very good analogy for much in life. Oh about the soup: It tasted good and made me laugh about eating Adult Baby Food. Eating Impaired? Hey! Have I got a food processor for you!
Fuck it: It works.