For months I have been coughing a lot. Chest pain at times. Non smoker but have worked with wood for 43 years. Recent exhaustion in conjunction with the lung congestion has led me to accept that something is damaged inside my lungs. I have Medicare and was supposed to get a chest X ray back before Covid hit. I am reluctant to do that now. I want to wait to see what happens with the election in November. I suspect COPD. Ironic because I do not smoke anything. I was once a long distance runner. NOW I have to face it that for some odd reason my lungs are fucked-up. I suspect saw dust for 43 years.
Is there any self pity?
It is part of life.
Just like my vein disease. The purple brown masses of ulcers in my lower right leg. The dead brown looking toes. It is life. MY life. I have lived a long life. When conceived, without wanting to I signed up for disability at some time. I also signed up for being able to run long distances like an immortal. I could fuck all night for years. I could work incredibly hard for decades. I used this body in so many wonderful ways I could not appreciate and have to accept that the other side of being Immortal for a while is the loss of that with a humanity that is simply facing being fallible. The flesh and mind do not last forever. Immortality was only a feeling. A god-like joy in fly down the side walks and roads with my heart and lungs in flames but laughing as I pushed them harder and harder and then resting we all had a beer and cheers about it all. Nice work body.
Now that body in age, apologizes. Sorry, we can’t go the distance anymore. We are failing you. Did I fail them? Myself? No. I lived is all. No needles in the arm and even if I had done that… fuck it. That would have been part of life.
Now I do what I can.
Hey lungs, what can I do for you now? You old loyal animal you. How can I help you? Hey heart… the same?
I think of this ugly now body. This damaged once godly body and I feel compassion for it. Like an old friend. A faithful pet. Hey old friend… we had a good run didn’t we? Our feet have to use special inserts in the shoes now but we remember running bare foot over horrid landscapes… and laughing about it when a teenager. So much beauty we were but could never appreciate. That was a plus because it wasn’t egotism. It was humility but arrogance at the same time. An innocence as well. We had no idea what old age would be like. We were in denial that WE would ever live that long because of MY EXCESSES. I remember the smell of old people’s homes. Does my home smell that way now? I laugh remembering how it all comes around to me. It’s a good thing. Remembering how I looked with loathing on the OLD people when I was a teen with a paper route. Enter their homes and they stunk like OLD people and now if they only knew…they would laugh hard. I have become them. The kid that ran and threw the papers at their doors.
It’s a good thing.
Those infirmities because… I DID live this long. I DID live long enough to lose my FALSE sense of immortality to struggle to breathe after years of youth breathing hard breathing full.
It’s just part of a cycle. So many never get this far to feel the decline and infirmities. In this, I am oddly grateful because so many never make it… THIS FAR.
NOTE: If you have a shitty comment, I will say fuck you and delete it. Be cool.