I have been laid-off before. Most recently over the summer like so many. Friday the 13th I got IT again. I had expected something like it and even hoped I could have had enough money to quit if I had to or if the company went down. I had seen signs of it coming but felt blindsided by it when it did happen. When I saw the company owner nervously (it seemed) go up to me with THE SERIOUS TALK thing. As noted in other entries here, I believe the folks in the office expected drama and emotion from me. I deflated. The opposite. Anger rose then fell. ACCEPTANCE. I finished my work, asked the boss if I could leave and he said yes. I was told material would be available for me to inspect in a few weeks. That is what angered me: YO YO. Up and down. Come in and get kicked out later. I was one of 3 people that got booted. My boss would not tell me about who was being kept or what. There was a meeting and I thanked the company owner for having the balls to tell us himself. It was my only FUCK YOU I could muster. 43 years working there and I got the boot. Temporary, yes but humiliating. The previous day I told the company owner I was having health issues. Coincidence of course that I got booted. The old dog is slow so let’s kick it off into the gutter. Yes, I am bitter. I know they kept the company ass kisser and a few others. The Others being the younger healthier workers. I got my tools and left. My mood was fuck that place. Still is. Boss sounded like there is uncertainty about if the company will continue. I believe it will when Biden takes office and the Virus fades.
I asked for the remainder of my vacation pay and was surprised when the owner allowed that. I paid off my house insurance with some of it on Friday. As soon as I got the lay-off notice, my mind went into emergency mode. Started thinking what I NEED as opposed to any WANTS. Food.Bills.Good boy Scott! Got drunk 2 times that weekend then quit. Totally sober 6 days now. Been working on a grocery list all week. What do I NEED to survive? Fewer calories for sure!
I went to get a blood test on Monday and felt sick a couple days due to alcohol detox and the trauma of getting laid off. Still waking up at 5AM. Work wake-up time. Keep feeling like I should look for a new job instead of waiting like a damn dog to be called and go in and out over and over it seems.
I try to sleep but cannot. That happens a lot with the jobless I have read. We get into a pattern of life. I have felt guilty for not going in to work but that is stupid because I am not wanted. That is a part of feeling depressed: “Not Wanted”. Not being of use to anyone. I do not want to leave the house and go to any shops because I will spend money.
I am confused about how anyone could RETIRE. I have no real hobbies and that is a problem with many retirees. They sit around doing nothing. Like me now. I have things to do but my mind is very scattered and shattered. Hard to focus. Taking a long time to write this. Short attention span.
I have used the treadmill a few times but keep procrastinating on it. I know I have to kick my ass and do more. If I do not I may get more blood clots. Scary shit. Need to keep the blood flowing. The 2 birds help a lot by trying to get into places where they should not be. I wonder if my neighbors hear me yelling at them. I think it is their way of fun. Oh! Look I got that big thing up and moving and waving at us! I am grateful for their company. ANY pet would be helpful to someone.
Writing this has helped. I am doing good. Firm plan in place for food shopping. No junk food no alcohol nothing stupid. Only what it takes to keep me going. Oh and yeah that broken tooth. My dentist told me of that great pain reliever combination that is a marvel to me. DOES cause a kind of hyper tinnitus but I have grown accustomed to it for years now. Ignore the noise. That is an insult to offer someone: ” You remind me of my tinnitus”.
I am looking at the positives in all this: Increased self awareness. Increased self-discipline. Facing the fact that at work nobody gave a damn about me but I am grateful for the vacation pay. I have always felt that people were a bit egotistical about their leaving the factory. Oh yeah you guys will miss me when I am gone! No they do not. Some people are joked about for being assholes and fuck-ups when they worked there. 1 guy a couple years ago got a grand retirement party and it was sick to me because of how be bad mouthed the boss and owner. I have come to feel great understanding of the boss and owner. I get it where they are coming from doing their jobs. I get it. Once I am gone for good there will be no missing of Scott. Just another guy that worked there for a long time. If the company closes, nothing matters anyway.
I used-to sit around drinking on Saturday nights and listening to my favorite songs. NOW I do same thing but without the beer. SOBER. Music sounds better sober 😉
I am not religious no belief in any god. More buddhist in my views and ways. Past week has made me see and feel that more. Far from a perfect human but I see with long reflective times, how far I have traveled inside in my life journey.
Yeah but after 43 years in that fucking company I still feel like was dumped like garbage 😉 That is the EMOTIONAL reaction and the LOGICAL is an understanding of WHY they truly did it. Nothing for me to do and if they put me on other things I am too weak and full of pain to do them. Such as some assembly and the loading dock.
Yeah guys… I get it 😉