Often I Was My Own Worse Enemy

After recently losing weight, I put some back on. Who can I blame for that? Let me at ’em! I’ll kick their ass!

I did. Obviously. 

A pattern all my life of self-abuse and destruction of which I have become good at letting go. Part of it is self-compassion. Ok, you fucked up and fell down. Now get up and get things right. Get back on it. I DO. My fall failings are not as far as they were in the past. No, I am NOT going to go by a 12 of beer and junk food. I slipped a bit with the food thing. Started back on the treadmill and will drop the weight in 2 weeks. 

A couple of weeks ago a social worker asked me what I would do if I fell down and started drinking. It was more like WHEN I do probably due to that past pattern. She suggested I message her through the hospital portal. I told her I that IF I go back to drinking it will be a long fall for me. I am aware of my body. How my internal organs react to the punishment of drugs and alcohol. THAT in itself acts as a deterrent. That revulsion. The emotional revulsion of feeling shame and bad about myself again. THAT can be a circular punishment. Feel bad then go do something to feel TEMPORARILY NUMB OR BETTER then it makes you feel worse. The third leg ass kicking drives me deeper and downer. 

I learned. 

IF I were to fall again, use self-compassion to replace that self-punishment. It’s ok. Just see what you need to do and get back to it. 

I do now.

Intermittent fasting with fewer carbohydrates. Exercise more. Reward myself by seeing those numbers fall on that scale! Way to go baby! Confidence building with AGAIN proving I can stay on the right track. Same with spending money. Constantly watching myself on that. Doing good. Not going to fall and if I slip, get back. No more wasting time with self punishment. 

I think sometimes I fucked-up in life because I had a sick desire to feel down. Like my father treated me. Down is where I belong because that is how dad treated me. 

Fuck the down!

I am ok and I will do and be ok. It feels good to feel good about myself without sick guilt. 

I had a friend that was in the military long ago. He taught me 4 simple letters to help me live: 


Fuck It Drive On.

Drive on! 🙂

I am SO over being my worst enemy. 

Log in to write a note
2 weeks ago

I agree : feeling guilty and fighting against yourself are the worst things to do ! Makes you feel even more bad, leading to more bad behavior. Reading you makes it even more clear. We let it go !

2 weeks ago

@twinparadox Downward spirals helped my kicking our own arses down the stairs 😉 Thanks!