After recently losing weight, I put some back on. Who can I blame for that? Let me at ’em! I’ll kick their ass!
I did. Obviously.
A pattern all my life of self-abuse and destruction of which I have become good at letting go. Part of it is self-compassion. Ok, you fucked up and fell down. Now get up and get things right. Get back on it. I DO. My fall failings are not as far as they were in the past. No, I am NOT going to go by a 12 of beer and junk food. I slipped a bit with the food thing. Started back on the treadmill and will drop the weight in 2 weeks.
A couple of weeks ago a social worker asked me what I would do if I fell down and started drinking. It was more like WHEN I do probably due to that past pattern. She suggested I message her through the hospital portal. I told her I that IF I go back to drinking it will be a long fall for me. I am aware of my body. How my internal organs react to the punishment of drugs and alcohol. THAT in itself acts as a deterrent. That revulsion. The emotional revulsion of feeling shame and bad about myself again. THAT can be a circular punishment. Feel bad then go do something to feel TEMPORARILY NUMB OR BETTER then it makes you feel worse. The third leg ass kicking drives me deeper and downer.
IF I were to fall again, use self-compassion to replace that self-punishment. It’s ok. Just see what you need to do and get back to it.
I do now.
Intermittent fasting with fewer carbohydrates. Exercise more. Reward myself by seeing those numbers fall on that scale! Way to go baby! Confidence building with AGAIN proving I can stay on the right track. Same with spending money. Constantly watching myself on that. Doing good. Not going to fall and if I slip, get back. No more wasting time with self punishment.
I think sometimes I fucked-up in life because I had a sick desire to feel down. Like my father treated me. Down is where I belong because that is how dad treated me.
Fuck the down!
I am ok and I will do and be ok. It feels good to feel good about myself without sick guilt.
I had a friend that was in the military long ago. He taught me 4 simple letters to help me live:
Fuck It Drive On.
Drive on! 🙂
I am SO over being my worst enemy.