Shocking News For Me Today

A few weeks ago I sent a fecal sample off to a lab to be examined for indications of colon cancer. It was to me something of a joke. Ok poop in jar and then ship it by Flying Shit air. I expected the results to be NEGATIVE and a waste. I did it to avoid the unpleasantness of a colonoscopy. 

Today I got an email for me to check the results of THAT test online. I went to the Patient Portal and opened the results and went into DENIAL right away and called the lab that did the work. The person I spoke to was probably there to pick up a phone and redirect people. Had no idea what I was talking about. 

About a half hour later I got a call from my doctors office and was told by a nurse that the doctor had said that I needed to get a colonoscopy ASAP. They had already sent a request to my local pharmacy for a substance to prepare me for the ordeal. I was thinking $$$ despite the need for it and was told there are programs to help people like me with that if my insurance does not pay for it. I figure medicare does. She KNEW the call was going to be a shocker for me. I could hear it in a her voice, the voice of someone that knows they are giving bad news. I joked with her and did get her to laugh. It was a very strange feeling talking to someone that knew they were giving me bad news. The tests read “abnormal reading” I could see by doing some digging on the patient portal site. I messaged with my sister and brother-in-law and they joked about how they knew the hospital VERY well and would give me a ride there for the procedure. My sister gave me numerous reassurances.

I called the person that makes appointments for surgeries and procedures and we agreed on a date. Seems there is a lot of that colonoscopy stuff going on! She told me that my doctor had labeled me as “URGENT”. Which made more blood drain from my face. Apparently there is some bad stuff they need to look at. NOT let it wait. I am going from extreme, “hell no!” about that to “ok let’s get this done as efficiently as possible”. If I have cancer, face it and get rid of it the sooner the better. Be optimistic. 

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June 10, 2021

I just had my tri-annual colonoscopy. My third or fourth one cuz I started in my 40s. My grandpa had colon cancer, so I take no chances. They only found one polyp this time, and it was benign. Usually they find at least three and 1 or 2 are precancerous.

The prep is annoying and doesn’t taste great. You could ask to do citrate of magnesium instead of the prep solution. Works the same, but only tastes slightly better. Johnny Cash’s Ring of Fire? The pain is real. Get some butt wipes and the softest toilet paper you can find. You’re going to thank me.

Let us know how it goes. You’re gonna be fine.

June 10, 2021

@caria Thank you! I did NOT think of the ass wear. I am thinking of prep H may help. Never used butt wipes and now need to research that! Things I have never done in life. Thanks for your comment!

June 10, 2021

@skobru Prep H will get wiped off. Trust me. You will be going a lot, at least 15-20 times minimum, and probably more than that. You have to keep going until… to be crude… you are pissing out your butthole and it is running clear. This is not fun times in the slightest. Don’t flush your butt wipes. Gross as it is, toss ’em in the wastebasket. Your sewers and toilet can’t take them being flushed… even if they say flushable.

June 10, 2021

@caria Or just make sure the toilet paper is WET. Now I have so much to look forward to in life! FINALLY! MY LIFE HAS MEANING! HURRAH!

June 10, 2021

@skobru lol

June 10, 2021

I’m sorry you received upsetting news. I sincerely hope it’s a false alarm and you get a clean bill of health. I’m here for you!

 

June 10, 2021

@icchyb You so sweet! If you ever clone yourself send me a copy and I will adopt it 😉

June 10, 2021

@skobru 🙂 🙂

June 11, 2021

Eat very light before the day of the colonoscopy, in fact I was on jello (no red colors) and clear chicken broth and clear soda the day before my last procedure. That light diet makes the actual purge so much easier. And I start the purge a couple of hours before the doctor says to make sure I’m done before bedtime. The beauty is, if polyps are found they are removed and you don’t have to come in a second time. You’re going to be OK!