IF anyone reads this, please do not try to give me advice or make shitty mean comments. I notice a lot of the latter on here. This is an “Open Diary” but the diary of an anonymous person (I hope).
When I was a boy I looked at and worshipped women. There was no sex. There was a sense of wonder. There were no erections. An undeveloped immature organ between my legs that could not function for sex. Yet there was a sense of wonder about the opposite sex.
Then I became mature physically and it all changed. The worship of women continued, that sense of wonder and eventually yes I lost my virginity and had full relationships with women physically and emotionally. Over the years I was married for a short time. No children. I had loves and lovers. I was sexually active and then… THAT part of me became weak and would not fully respond. I continued to seek women for emotional attachments. I dreamed of being with a woman again for a full physical and emotional relationship but I realized that one part of it, the physical aspect of me could not satisfy a woman. It was and is a demeaning horrible thing and yet now I see it all as going back to that stage of being a child in which the physical aspect of me does not function sexually but I still have that sense of wonder about women. My view of women matured and there is a joking remorse with myself that as the cliche goes: “Youth is wasted on the young”. Oh how life could have been had I had the wisdom I have NOW about relationships with the body and VIRILITY I once had.
There are circles in life. Cycles. We are young and our bodies can do what we evolved to do to keep the specie alive. Now I am long past that.
I am on a dating site and so many women ask that simple question: What are you on here for? My answer has become very simple and yet oft misunderstood. “INTIMACY” I reply. Intimacy in all ways. To be close to someone. A woman in my case. To touch to connect to do so in all ways. Mind, body and emotion. Not like in any love songs or films. That simplicity so complex … to be close. TOUCH.
I have realized that now being “old” that becomes less possible. Most of the women I encounter are not attractive to me – I just do not feel it there. There is no good conversation and I am often seen as being so “old” and thus walking dust.
I have looked at all this and accept it now as that circle of life. Cycle. One part of life. It’s like great health. It fades.
I accept it.
It was good writing this here. Writing is a form of therapy.