The Circle Closes/Ends

IF anyone reads this, please do not try to give me advice or make shitty mean comments. I notice a lot of the latter on here. This is an “Open Diary” but the diary of an anonymous person (I hope).

When I was a boy I looked at and worshipped women. There was no sex. There was a sense of wonder. There were no erections. An undeveloped immature organ between my legs that could not function for sex. Yet there was a sense of wonder about the opposite sex. 

Then I became mature physically and it all changed. The worship of women continued, that sense of wonder and eventually yes I lost my virginity and had full relationships with women physically and emotionally. Over the years I was married for a short time. No children. I had loves and lovers. I was sexually active and then… THAT part of me became weak and would not fully respond. I continued to seek women for emotional attachments. I dreamed of being with a woman again for a full physical and emotional relationship but I realized that one part of it, the physical aspect of me could not satisfy a woman. It was and is a demeaning horrible thing and yet now I see it all as going back to that stage of being a child in which the physical aspect of me does not function sexually but I still have that sense of wonder about women. My view of women matured and there is a joking remorse with myself that as the cliche goes: “Youth is wasted on the young”. Oh how life could have been had I had the wisdom I have NOW about relationships with the body and VIRILITY I once had. 

There are circles in life. Cycles. We are young and our bodies can do what we evolved to do to keep the specie alive. Now I am long past that. 

I am on a dating site and so many women ask that simple question: What are you on here for? My answer has become very simple and yet oft misunderstood. “INTIMACY” I reply. Intimacy in all ways. To be close to someone. A woman in my case. To touch to connect to do so in all ways. Mind, body and emotion. Not like in any love songs or films. That simplicity so complex … to be close. TOUCH. 

I have realized that now being “old” that becomes less possible. Most of the women I encounter are not attractive to me – I just do not feel it there. There is no good conversation and I am often seen as being so “old” and thus walking dust. 

I have looked at all this and accept it now as that circle of life. Cycle. One part of life. It’s like great health. It fades. 

I accept it. 

It was good writing this here. Writing is a form of therapy. 


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October 17, 2020

U emergency not old my friend!

October 17, 2020

@kaliko You are a beautiful person. As is your husband I am sure 😉


October 18, 2020

Cialis. 😀 Are you on one of those dating sites that are for “mature” people? One of the dynamics of life that amuses me is that young people think they should have parity with the experiences of those of us who have lived a long time. Yet, if you make a risque remark, all of a sudden the age difference becomes a huge factor and they are victims.

October 18, 2020

@solovoice I got on an international thing. DID have a girl friend on there that came here a few times. I now find the interactions of conversation interesting enlightening me on different cultures and also a window on how other men are. So many illusions. Ah due to drug interactions supposed to not use such things but a heart attack during sex would not be a bad way to go 😉