Up/Down/Up

Saturday night I drank enough beer where I should have been totally bombed. I was not. Next day got-up suffering the effects of it but not feeling hungover in the conventional sense. I had had almost 20 beers and despite being VERY depressed and anxious, logical mind kicked in and said, “ok pour this into the sewer after your body processes it”.  

Good sleep last night and today although feeling the shock of the Lay Off, I got going doing positive things. Looked into unemployment and contacted the company I work for or may not work for and got the last of my vacation pay for the year ok’d. A part of me wonders if it is my kick in the ass severance after 43 years. I GET IT about why I got laid off: No material for me to inspect and my age and ill health makes me not worth having around for what work there is to do. It’s humiliating but understandable. I fucking hate them for it but understand it. LOGICALLY. Emotion VS Mind.

Went to get a blood test. Not as good as would like. Have to look out for blood clots. Made a couple jokes that got a cross look from a patient waiting for a doctor and got a nurse to laugh. 

Going over and over my financial situation. What I can cut out. I need to lose weight so this is a good time to cut out the carbs and Bullshit. Bullshit is very fattening! I do not miss the alcohol. I think of the price of beer and have a panic attack now. 

Logical thinking with a garnish of fear. 

A brother called and asked me about Thanksgiving and Christmas. I said NO to both since I am not a christian and I try to make, “giving thanks” a part of my day. Good brother he is. Always wanting to give and be good. Love that bro!

This kick in the ass lay-off is making me more grateful than ever. Negative? No. I try to avoid being negative now. It weighs me down and makes it hard to swim back up and live. I joke about self pity. I drank my pity party over the weekend then picked my ass up today. 

Despite some breathing problems, I got on my treadmill for 30 minutes. iPhones are nice things to read while walking in place. In the house, ok. Avoid sidewalks when doing that 😉

I am thinking of all the ways I used-to spend money and now ticking the list off of “no … no … no…”.

My boss messaged me and was good about offering help if I needed it. Nothing he can do. I just need to suck it up and have some discipline. Living alone without any friends I have to be careful of the weird depressive loneliness thing. Detached from human company. Hell even the guys at work! Going to miss that camaraderie. I still get up at the same time in the morning. I look at the clock and think, “oh time for lunch at work” and eat. EAT LESS. 

If I had the money to-do list: Dentist, Doctor, Optometrist. Will make a dental appointment tomorrow. I have enough stories in me to make them rock with laughter when drills not in my mouth!

Stay positive…

FIDO!

Fuck It Drive On!

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kat
1 week ago

I pray your layout is short!!

1 week ago

@kaliko My “layout”? “Short”? Some past lovers said it was more like average? 😉

kat
1 week ago

@skobru lol lay off

 

1 week ago

@kaliko Ok I will. I am sorry for that but I was desperate for a snicker.

 

kat
1 week ago

@skobru lol

1 week ago

when your boss asked if there is any help you might need I would have said “Yeah I need some money to pay my bills till I get my unemployment and my benifits…..I wonder how hard he would have laughed?

1 week ago

@jaythesmartone Funny you mentioned that. He is a good guy. Most of the time. I DID ask the owner for my remaining vacation pay for the year. Surprisingly, he agreed to it even though the company is in trouble. I think of it as my christmas bonus. I will not attend any christmas party due to the lay-off ugly feelings I have. I understand the logic of laying me off but there is that emotional thing too. 43 years and I feel I am being pushed out. I am good for one thing and after I do that I will have to go back on layoff. But the owner did not have to do what he said he would do. My boss did not have to be kind to me. They could have both been sonsabitches but they were not.

1 week ago

@skobru

I think what they did is wrong and you should take it up with the human rights people.  if I were your boss I would encourage you to retire rather then be laid off. The least they can do is give you another 4 pay checks just because you are a nice guy and a great worker.

1 week ago

@jaythesmartone I am kind of fucked. No money to retire and no human rights folks. 6 guys in the shop max. If I had the cash I would be gone. Ok let me go check with the MI lottery….

1 week ago

@skobru

I think you would be too broke buying those lotto tickets….I wish I had a soulution for you….

1 week ago

@jaythesmartone I just bought some using winnings on the site. I am expecting to win a few million now because of all the shit that went down last Friday The 13th. Bad luck has to end some time 😉 On the other hand…I am lucky to have a few good people in my life and 2 birds I love very much.

1 week ago

@skobru

well when you win just remember us Canadians because we love you so much….

1 week ago

@jaythesmartone I think winning a huge amount of money would be a huge curse. Drive a person insane with worry 😉

1 week ago

Hope things work out for you.  I’m on disability and know how hard it is to cover everything financially.  Getting older ain’t fun either.  But you have a sense of humor!  That’s a bright spot!

1 week ago

@molly-62open Yes, I have a sense of humor. Here is a joke to play on people: When wearing a mask, show others an unmasked photo of yourself making a funny face and tell people, “this is my real face”. It connects. I have had disabilities of anxiety and probably still do. They teach us. Not like we want those kinds of teachers 😉 I have no idea what your position is but I ADMIRE YOUR EMPATHY. It is a strength many do not have. A super power 😉 Ah! The hero feels EMPATHY! Stronger than those that cannot and which makes those lacking it very crippled! Hope that made some sense. Thank you for your comment.