Saturday night I drank enough beer where I should have been totally bombed. I was not. Next day got-up suffering the effects of it but not feeling hungover in the conventional sense. I had had almost 20 beers and despite being VERY depressed and anxious, logical mind kicked in and said, “ok pour this into the sewer after your body processes it”.
Good sleep last night and today although feeling the shock of the Lay Off, I got going doing positive things. Looked into unemployment and contacted the company I work for or may not work for and got the last of my vacation pay for the year ok’d. A part of me wonders if it is my kick in the ass severance after 43 years. I GET IT about why I got laid off: No material for me to inspect and my age and ill health makes me not worth having around for what work there is to do. It’s humiliating but understandable. I fucking hate them for it but understand it. LOGICALLY. Emotion VS Mind.
Went to get a blood test. Not as good as would like. Have to look out for blood clots. Made a couple jokes that got a cross look from a patient waiting for a doctor and got a nurse to laugh.
Going over and over my financial situation. What I can cut out. I need to lose weight so this is a good time to cut out the carbs and Bullshit. Bullshit is very fattening! I do not miss the alcohol. I think of the price of beer and have a panic attack now.
Logical thinking with a garnish of fear.
A brother called and asked me about Thanksgiving and Christmas. I said NO to both since I am not a christian and I try to make, “giving thanks” a part of my day. Good brother he is. Always wanting to give and be good. Love that bro!
This kick in the ass lay-off is making me more grateful than ever. Negative? No. I try to avoid being negative now. It weighs me down and makes it hard to swim back up and live. I joke about self pity. I drank my pity party over the weekend then picked my ass up today.
Despite some breathing problems, I got on my treadmill for 30 minutes. iPhones are nice things to read while walking in place. In the house, ok. Avoid sidewalks when doing that 😉
I am thinking of all the ways I used-to spend money and now ticking the list off of “no … no … no…”.
My boss messaged me and was good about offering help if I needed it. Nothing he can do. I just need to suck it up and have some discipline. Living alone without any friends I have to be careful of the weird depressive loneliness thing. Detached from human company. Hell even the guys at work! Going to miss that camaraderie. I still get up at the same time in the morning. I look at the clock and think, “oh time for lunch at work” and eat. EAT LESS.
If I had the money to-do list: Dentist, Doctor, Optometrist. Will make a dental appointment tomorrow. I have enough stories in me to make them rock with laughter when drills not in my mouth!
Fuck It Drive On!