I’m not coming home tonight

Sometimes I hold my breath as a test of will… not to see how long I can hold it, but to see if my body will force me to breathe… or if it’s finally giving up.

Despite my displeasure, I inhale… Still here.

I’ve felt every cell in my body screaming for their end. My brain enraged with the worst of thoughts.

But always I inhale and I’m still here. The pull of time wins out over the weight of gravity. One dragging me forward while the other crushes me down. How can any of our bodies resist these forces for long?

The doctors want to assess her for hospice care. They want to pull her off any meds meant to prolong her life… prolonging her torture. They say the blood clot could grow bigger without them. They say it could kill her and it wouldn’t be painful.

They’ve told us a lot of things.

But no one’s told us why our only option is to force her to live and endure this suffering. Is there no fucking empathy?

 

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