Make yourself

After so many years of writing these entries in my head, it feels strange to actually write them out.

When I was 6, I experienced physical trauma that left me in constant full-body pain. I’m 33 now and I still have no frame of reference for what life without pain feels like. You could say that I became well acquainted with pain. A lifetime bond that has guided me through so many life events. Whenever I am feeling good, that pain is always there to humble me, comfort me, like sliding into a warm bath.

Growing up with pain like this, being unable to fully describe it to adults because I was just a child, and having no doctor be able to tell me that anything was actually wrong with me… that fucks with you a bit. Twists your sense of reality. Developmentally, probably a pretty fucking shitty way to grow up. But maybe not the worst. But when you’re a child thinking you might actually be insane because you realized no one else feels the same way as you, it fucks with you.

In high school I was an insomniac. My pain caused great anxiety and depression, all of which kept me awake. Combined, they fueled each other. Like the core of a sun churning atoms into other atoms through unimaginable heat and pressure.

I started scribbling into notebooks. Lots and lots of fucking notebooks. Hours of writing. All that time I spent awake, I thought, and I wrote about what I thought about. It was only after I was exhausted from doing this that I could sleep. Only after I wrote every possible thought, emotion, belief, idea, dream… giving everything until there was nothing. Then I could sleep. By then it was only about 1 hour before school still anyway, but it was something right?

I found OpenDiary around 14 and kept a journal until 18 when I started this one. I wrote here as much as possible until OD shutdown in 2014. Having this place to write the way I needed to write had a profound effect on my life. But after 2014 I had nothing and so I started writing these entries in my head. All those hours and years I spent here were suddenly confined within my skull. Whenever I needed this place, I had to make due within myself.

When my father passed away and all I could manage to say was I’m sorry over and over again… I had to make due with myself.

When I ended a relationship that had lasted a quarter of my life, I had to make due with myself.

My mom’s health has been rapidly declining. I have been making due with myself. But I can’t keep it all in anymore.

When she’s gone, I’ll carry her too. But I can’t keep this all in anymore.

 

In your mind, you can fly

Sleep on, fly on

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2 weeks ago

I love your ending quote ‘in your mind you can fly,  sleep on, fly on’

Don’t min me asking, but what pain were you feeling and why?

Yeah life and this world can be a real shitty place, so having the ability to express yourself and to feel as if you are part of something, is very comforting. At least I find it to be.

@ncumisa it’s a quote from the song Ants of the Sky by Between the Buried and Me.

I’ve been in constant full body pain since a stupid accident I had as a child, about 6. Been about 27 years now.