I can feel myself slowly healing for the first time in a long while. Ever so slowly, it’s like pieces of me that I didn’t realize were damaged have started coming back to life. I am suddenly very aware that there is a gaping, open wound in my soul. The edges have begun the process of knitting back together, and everything tingles like a limb that has fallen asleep. My anxiety has been taken down a notch. I’ve let go of tension in my shoulders and back that I didn’t realize was there. My headaches have disappeared. My allergies have lessened. My stomach isn’t constantly angry.
This transformation, more than anything else, is what has convinced me that cutting myself off from my mother and stepfather was the right thing to do. Intellectually, I knew it was necessary. Emotionally, I was unsure. Now, physically, I am wholly convinced: they are not healthy to have in my life.
The first week was very hard. I cried every night. I had to remind myself not to call them. It was like I was going through withdrawl. This week is much easier. I’ve found other people to talk to throughout my day to fill the gap, and I do not miss the arguments at all.
I’ve begun the rough draft of a letter to my mother. I might not even send it. I just want to say what I would say if I no one interupted me or cut off the conversation. (An absolute impossibility in a real life conversation with her.) It’s about getting my thoughts out, not about her. If I send do eventually send it, it’ll be wholly selfish. Regardless, I’ll post it here when it’s done. It’s really just a self-counseling excercise anyway.