038. In the mirror

So, I have a problem with my self-image. I kinda always have, actually. I look in the mirror, or at pictures of myself, and it’s always a little jarring, because my internal image of ME doesn’t match what I’m seeing. There’s like this disconnect between my inner self and what I actually look like. I suppose it’s probably a form of body dismorphia? Idk. It’s not that I think I’m ugly or anything. I just don’t recognize myself, at least not fully.

The last time I really identified with the person staring back at me from the mirror was about 8 years ago. I was in really good physical health, and was living alone, and had lots of free time, so I made a project out of myself. I would sit infront of the mirror every day and just study myself for about half an hour. Not critiquing myself or being impressed with myself, but just reminding myself that I was ME.

And it worked.

For nearly the first time in my adult life, I felt good in my skin.

But, I got busy, and I gained weight, and I had a baby… And my internal picture of myself was still stuck at that place eight years ago. It’s been very uncomfortable to see pictures of myself or glance in the mirror.

So, I tried to get myself back to that body. I worked out. I grew my hair out again. I tried. But, I have a mom-body now, and I don’t have free time, and it hasn’t really worked. In fact, the closer I got to how I was, the more uncomfortable it became. It was like I was entering creepy valley… Close, but not close enough.

Yesterday I cut my hair into bangs. I did it myself. Lev would’ve preferred I went to a salon, but I didn’t. And now it’s like looking at a complete stranger in the mirror. Square one.

Over the next year, I’m going to try to get my mental picture to match my physical one. Wish me luck /blessings.

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December 30, 2020

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