050. Tears understood

Are you supposed to get done with your therapy session and feel like you’ve been run over by an emotional truck?

Are you supposed to have cried so much you no longer have tears?

Are you supposed to feel this tired?

When people say that you have to “do the work” in your therapy, they aren’t kidding. You have to be brave enough to feel the things you are trying not to feel and sit there and actually process through it. When your coping mechanisms aren’t helping you anymore, and they are hurting your life, that’s when you have to reopen the wound and make it heal correctly this time.

I’m still going to have emotional scars. No one in therapy can say they don’t have scars. I just don’t want mine to hinder my mobility to do things in life.

Some hard truths about my life that I’ve had to face recently:

  • The only way for my parents to be happy with me was for me to not be me. And the only way for me to be happy is to be myself.
  • I do whatever life puts in-front of me, and I don’t seek out alternatives. I’m a security guard because the job opportunity was laid at my feet. The way I dress has largely been dictated by the clothes other people have bought for me rather than things I’ve picked out or made myself. My friends are the friends that Lev brought into the relationship, not ones that I’ve made on my own (not any at all). This doesn’t make me happy, either.
  • I’m miserable because I’ve allowed myself to become miserable. I’ve not been myself to anyone but Lev and my siblings, and, eventually, that was going to make me unhappy. I need to be myself and be happy, and if people don’t like the “new me” (who is not new at all, just authentic), then they aren’t really supportive or my friends anyway.

Read more: Intro | Smoke Dragon: Ever Clearer | People in my life

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April 20, 2021

Eventually, the scars will make you stronger, and you can toss the faux “stuff” in the garbage.

Someday, you will rock the true you in your full glory, and it will be magnificent.

It will get easier, keep on trucking and take a good, long nap.

April 20, 2021

@poemstoyou No nap today, unfortunately. I might be able to swing an early bedtime. I’m trying to be more authentic every day… It’s just super scary.

April 20, 2021

hugs

April 20, 2021

@moonshinemollie Thanks! Hugs to you too.

April 21, 2021

@smokedragon No prob. It looks like you needed comfort. 🙂

April 20, 2021

I think the affects of therapy can be different for everyone, but that is very real – I tend to space out and skip steps.
A lot of this I can actually relate to… and it is hard, but it’s so worth it. I’m not sure if there’s a goal or keeping eyes on the prize will help – but definitely keep up the good work!

Take care,

April 20, 2021

@geminieyes Thanks. The goal is to hopefully be able to better function in my life and be happier. Of course, that’s a bit of a moving goalpost.

April 20, 2021

And thus unto the breach strode she! Countervailing the unholy paroxysm of cosmic magma so inescapable in it’s iniquitous ubiquity not even life’s last breath survived the onslaught, SmokeDragon nevertheless galloped toward certain death. DEATH! And yet, survive did she; survived AND proudly egressed the battlefield while declaiming to all and one alike that victory was hers, and civilization as well. Yes, armed with naught but logic, valiant SmokeDragon smote the cyclopean gorgon of anfractuous dithyramb, the mighty Gormless Syllogism.  For your gallantry in providing a reasoned assessment of Is It Just Me, we salute you!

B!

August 24, 2021

I am usually a mess after therapy as well. But I think working through any sort of pain and trauma isn’t going to be an easy road. And the therapist can’t “fix” anything for you. She is more to help you talk through those events. I have always been afraid to discuss my trauma… I’ve been with the same therapist for 8 years and basically have only discussed surface level stuff up until this year. Now, finally discussing some of my issues, I almost feel lighter in a sense. I’m not “over” those incidents. But I am starting to see the truth about them.

I’m not sure what happened with your parents, but I’ve dealt with a lot with my oldest daughter. If you ever want to chat, feel free to message me.

August 24, 2021

@becauseisaid I might take you up on that… if I ever get enough energy back. It’s been a bumpy road to get me this far, and I’m not even close to the functional person I want to be.

I’m not sure I can explain a “short version” of what’s going on with my parents. They are selfish, and non-empathetic, and not great at parenting. There’s so much more. But I’m learning to stand on my own.