Felt abit down today…

*i wrote this Saturday just didn’t quite finish until now*

I feel low today. In fact if i’m honest with myself, I’ve felt low for quite a few days now, different things have been affecting me in different areas of my life and causing me to feel sad and self reflective, that’s why i sought out starting up an online diary again in the first place, i knew i was brimming over. 😌 I have been feeling low about a number of things, my health, my work, my finances, lack of living and just existing but what’s getting to me most is a friendship that has died (on their part).

A bit of background, i met this friend through work, at the time the company i worked for was very small when i started in 2003, i was 18 and there were probably only about 10 people in the company, a very small start up, because it had started small everyone was pretty much like family, if anything sometimes it was a little overbearing because everyone knew everything about everyone, but we all loved working there it was great, and i as an 18 year old at starting i had pretty much grown up with these people.

Anyway fast forward to 2008 this friend came into the company as my new boss, at that point we were probably at maybe 40-50 people in the company but the originals were all still there and she was lovely, she fitted right in as if shed been there for all of the years before as one of the originals, she didn’t even treat me as if she was my boss really we just hit it off instantly, we are both pretty chilled as people, same good sense of humour….we had good times working together.

She moved to another department after a couple of years, but we didn’t mind that as technically the boss/employee relationship subsided and that made way for the friendship and the social side of work together, chats…lunch.. work nights out etc. We were not in each other’s pockets either at this point as time had gone on the business boomed from 10, 50, to over 160 people by 2016…me and my work friend were still part of ‘the originals’  but me and her were the closest duo so to speak out of all of us, we used to pretty much spend lunch breaks together each day, we would see each other occasionally outside of work, she was the first person in work that i told i was pregnant with my daughter, id gone through so many relationship woes with her when she was dating and trying to find someone, helped her when she had found herself in abusive relationship and was trying to get out, when she finally found someone worthy and was settled and pregnant id gone to her baby shower, decorated her whole desk and got her so many gifts and organised donations for her and the baby when she was going on maternity leave, got her daughter gifts when she was born, sent her flowers when her dog died…her the same when my daughter was born etc. It all sounds abit much when i write it down and read it back as if we were smothering each other  friendship wise lol, but this all happened over a course of many years.

In 2016, id been in the company for 13 years (and friends with this person for about 8 years at this point) but i’d been under a few bosses during that time, and my latest boss for about 18months, who had been making my life hell, she was a big shot from France and worked in Switzerland HQ, working with her was just unbearable, i’d put up with it for 18 months and didn’t see it ending, so i decided to leave in December 2016, yes id been there a long time and yes i had established myself and was leaving my career there, and old colleagues and friendships behind. It was a very difficult time for me and in all honesty i did regret leaving at first and honestly it took me a good two years to get over it. I tried to maintain my friendship with this particular work friend she meant a lot to me, loved her and cared about her (still do) i would ask to meet up…have a catch up but it was always one sided, always me asking…she would never come back to me, it got to the point where i would be in whats app group message with our ‘originals’ who i spoke of earlier, (who all still work there with her)  about meeting up (which we tend to do every 6 months, so I’ve maintained my friendships with the others in that original group…), she would be invited to the group chat she would never write anything or never come along when we did meet up, if i contributed to the group messages about how i was, whats going on in life, everyone else would comment back, she would never write anything…its been like that for about 3 years now.

I saw her out one night when i was out with a friend in June this year, (we were both drunk as hell) but i couldn’t believe it was her at first and we just screamed and hugged (i cried, because i had truly missed her and felt a huge void), and said how good it was to see each other (we hadn’t seen each other for 3 years at that point), but i could feel that it was awkward (i don’t know why…there was never any awkwardness on my part, i was happy to see her) she was out with her partner having a night out and a break from her toddler, and i understood, but after so many years of knowing eachother 2008-now (11 years), and 3 years of not seeing each other, we only spoke for all of 5 minutes and then she went off and sat with her partner, she came back over about half an hour later and said she was leaving, we said our quick goodbyes and she said ill text you tomorrow, we exchanged one text the next day on Whats app to say how good it was to see each other and that was that… i didnt even suggest meeting up again as i couldnt face the rejection of it all, since then the group have been texting on whatsapp and arranging another 6-monthly get together for later this year and lo and behold nothing from her side. I get that life gets in the way, she has got a partner and a toddler, shes a busy person, we are all busy but its clearly not just that is it…. this is where the self reflection part comes in, clearly its just me that she doesn’t want to be friends with….

I put Instagram app on my phone the other week just to connect with a few of my family and see what it was all about, this friend/colleague was on there, and fair enough this friend (and a few of the ‘originals’) clicked to follow me and i followed back, no issues there, but then a few days later she was talking about her hen night and tagging people in (all of the originals) and i wasn’t included, i just sit here and think to myself, why is it that people just throw me away like im nothing? This isn’t the first time, i’m not exaggerating when i say I’ve had this all of my life, my first friend who lived in my street, we went to primary and junior school together but to separate high schools (we knew each other since we were born) she moved out of the street when she went to high school so i guess life just separated us, but we had each others address and phone numbers, i was the one to try to keep that going as well, i wrote her a letter when i was 14 asking how things were in life and if we could meet up, looking back it obviously looked desperate, and “uncool” and pathetic. i wish i hadn’t, but funnily enough, many years later, 20+ years later, who pops up with a friend request on Facebook, this old primary school friend.Yep. I badly wanted to reject it, but i am such a caring genuine person (or a fucking doormat) that i accepted. 😐 I had another friend in juniors that left and went to a separate high school that’s not the issue life takes people in different directions i totally get that, but again, i remember being on the phone to her after we left school (during the summer) asking if she wanted to meet up etc, again, every excuse under the sun, i cant i’m busy that day….i’m going out with my parents that day… i don’t know when i’m free.. i put the phone down feeling like the worst loser in the world. Another friendship with a friend called mike, i used to speak to him on the internet, we spoke since we were 15 years old (him 16 at the time) we spoke everyday for years, i would stay up late to speak with him at (hes in the US, me the UK), i was there throughout the whole time his mum died of cancer early hours in the mornings day after day, i flew over to visit him after speaking for 10 years, we went to Yellowstone together! But it purely was platonic on both parts, we were great friends, as soon as he got a girlfriend, thats it, bye bye to me, about 3 years ago now, friends for 15 years, and he cut me off just like that….why the fuck does this keep happening to me? I dont get it, once, or maybe twice yes…but 4 times, the childhood friendships i can understand and its easier to get over, because you change so much and life takes you in different places, but the other two Mike and my work friend…..!? There must be something really wrong with me, there must be because im the common denominator. Its just so sad and it hurts to know that people can just throw me away like that so easily when i have been so genuine and so caring and giving towards them. I just wish i knew what was wrong with me i really do.


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