See, this is what I love about this platform.. the complete sense that I can speak freely, and not to be scared.
Lets talk quickly about my relationship.. I have been in an amazing, healthy relationship for about 2 1/2 years now. We currently live together and have ALWAYS been making plans for the future.
About two weeks ago, we came back from Mexico, amazing right? YES. We stayed in Cancun, at the Grand Sunset Princess. DEFF RECOMMEND.
Now, Lets talk about some of the conversations we had.. my boyfriend and I (lets call him.. Max) have always been SUPER honest with each other.. anything from past sexual relations to current fantasies. So, we start talking about previous encounters and things we’ve seen and wanted to try. Keep in mind, everything we were stating that we wanted to try, were TOGETHER. Positions, toys, whatever.. long story short, the conversation ended with him saying, “You know what would be the Biggest Turn on for me? and I really wish we could try it someday?” I of course, super intrigued, say “What?” ..
Then he said it.. “Swinging”..
Now, I need someone to tell me I’m not being crazy. But, my mind completely shifted, my mood changed, I automatically felt tears in my eyes.. I said “You want to sleep with someone who isn’t me?”. His response, “Well I mean, we would need some ground rules.. never sleep with the same person more then once, and of course in separate rooms”.. now, im not sure if im not really understanding the concept behind “swinging” but, let me just tell you.. DAM that hurt.
Of course, being on vacation.. I let it go. I dont need a stupid comment ruining my vacation.. but here’s the thing.
I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT IT.
The thoughts running through my mind are simple… am I not good enough? how are you okay with someone else touching me? pleasing me?
Needless to say, that conversation ended with me being OPEN minded to the concept.. but waking up the next day, after MUCH contemplation, and telling Max that it just wasn’t for me.
However, since being back home, and away from Lala land.. im starting to feel like there’s a change in our relationship.. on my end. I feel as though im self-conscious during sex, I dont like the way he stares at other women on social media (when I could care less before.. we used to stare at them together and compliment all the bad ass women in the world), now I find myself getting extremely uncomfortable when he talks about another woman. Even if its something as simple as “I like her hair colour”.. is that crazy?
I might be over thinking this, but, will he come to me in 10+ years, and tell me he’s bored? that he wants some excitement?
I dont know.. the more I think about it, the more the anxiety builds.
Am I thinking tooo much into this?