I’m 29 now and feel more jaded than ever. I had a man who loved me to the moon And back and would literally do anything for me. I ended it because I didn’t love him. How the fuck couldn’t I love him? Now I’ve got a new man and I should be all butterflies and shit, but all I am is pessimistic. Waiting for something to go wrong, waiting for us to not mesh on one topic and be done. He says I should hold onto my convictions and not get rid of them to please someone but if I hold on to them, I feel like I’ll lose him. i want things to just go organically but I can’t. When I’m not talking to him, I’m waiting for a text saying “ya know, maybe this was a mistake” and the worst part is I’m asking myself the same thing. I want to talk to him about it but I also feel like it would be instant sabotage. Who wants to hear there s.o. Saying yeah I have no clue if this shit will work, but let’s give it a go?

I, for whatever reason, feel like I can’t love anymore. If I couldn’t love a man who would legit do anything for me, then there’s gotta be something wrong with me.  I loved my ex before him, or I believe so. My new man and I have a major common ground. We could talk on the subject for hours. I should be glad. But my mind is full of doubt. I swear to god I’m broken somehow. I know I didn’t have good role models for relationships, or expressing feelings, or just dealing with life in general, but damn, let me catch one break.

I know people say you’ve got love yourself before you love others bull, but I’ve loved others without loving myself so I know I’m capable.

I watched a sad film tonight and ugly cried at the end. I needed to cry in general but I hate crying over my own emotions. If I cry over a film, then I have a more valid excuse. After the film was over, my head was spinning, I wanted to message my bf and ask him he truly thought we had a chance or if we were just kidding ourselves. I wanted to feel pain, I actually wanted to cut for the first time in years. I used to cut my upper leg, I did it to feel the pain release, not to try to kill myself. But I knew my bf would see the marks. So instead I melted a candle and put hot wax on my upper leg. It hurt some but not enough. I thought about what my life consisted of. Unhappiness, depression, anxiety, failure, disappointment. Who would miss me? My dog, my brother, my boyfriend. He had a friend kill herself when he was in h.s. It really fucked him up. I don’t want to fuck someone up. My brother would be lost but I could leave him what funds I have to try to help him out. My dog. She’s literally the only thing keeping me going sometimes. I wonder and worry about what would happen to her. She’s my life.

Others would be sad but they’d forget. I’m not a memorable person. I just don’t want to live my life feeling like this forever. When I was in elementary school, I wrote notes that I wanted to die. I’m almost 30 now and I still think about it. I see a counselor, I take meds, I try, but I’m still broken. I don’t want to be broken any more. I never wanted to be broken. Superglue and ductape can fix almost everything, but they can’t fix me. I just don’t want to be broken anymore.

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July 9, 2018

Welcome back! I hope that being here can help you sort your feelings – remember, every single one of us is valuable in the world!

July 22, 2018

There are not always butterflies. I wouldn’t say sabotage I would say on guard. Is it that you can’t love or don’t want to love? Everybody is broken some kind of way. Pets are like kids they depend on you and can help you get through sad or tough times. All the best to you.