lighten up

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 Two LInes

 

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise , God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

Don’t take life too seriously.  You’ll never get out of it alive.  

Something to chuckle at…

  O’Brian staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking old pal, Murphy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife. He tiptoed quietly toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.
 
 As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, O’Brian sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
 
 He managed to quietly find a full box of band-aids and began putting a band-aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
 
 In the morning, O’Brian woke up with searing pain in his head and butt and his wife staring at him from across the room.
 
 She said, "You were drunk again last night weren’t you?"
 
 O’Brian said, "Why are you sayin’ a mean thing like that?"
 
 "Well," she said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly…. it’s all those band-aids stuck on the downstairs mirror. 

Dog Philosophy

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
-Anonymous

Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
-Ann Landers

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.
-Will Rogers

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
-Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
-Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
-Andy Rooney

We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare.

And in return, dogs give us their all. It’s the best deal man has ever made.
-M. Acklam

Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people,
who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
-Sigmund Freud

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
-Rita Rudner

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance,
and to turn around three times before lying down.
-Robert Benchley

Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
-Franklin P. Jones

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known
will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
-James Thurber

If your dog is fat, you aren’t getting enough exercise
-Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can.
That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.
-Joe Weinstein

Ever consider what our dogs must think o

f us? I mean, here we come back from
a grocery store with the most amazing haul, chicken, pork, half a cow. They must
think we’re the greatest hunters on earth!
-Anne Tyler

Women and cats will do as they please,and men and dogs should relax and get
used to the idea.
-Robert A. Heinlein

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you;
that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-Mark Twain

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says,
‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’
– Dave Barry

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
-Roger Caras

If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket
and then give him only two of them.
-Phil Pastoret

My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.

A Canadian Christmas…

A man in Newfoundland calls his son in Calgary two days before
Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell
you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of
misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son
screams.
"We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer," the father
says. "We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about
this, so you call your sister in Vancouver and tell her." Frantic,
the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"No way they’re getting divorced!" she shouts, "I’ll take care of
this."
She calls Newfoundland immediately and screams at her father, "You
are not getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get
there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there by
tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs
up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay,"
he says, "they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own way."

Five tips for a woman….

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn’t lie to you.

4.. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don’t know each other.

Foot Note:

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don’t get some support soon, people will think we’re nuts."

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