I’ve been thinking a lot about why it is that I haven’t been writing here. The reasons are layered, but overall my writing is reflective of my offline behavior: when I’m feeling sensitive or vulnerable, I pull away. I hide in my little bubble world, where I can look out and watch the world turn all by me onesie.
But I suppose that isn’t any healthier online than it is off. I had one heck of an emotional day yesterday. And it all boiled down to that little bubble in which I love to float around. I left the gym in a daze and drove around aimlessly, willing myself to cry. Failed. My eyes would get misty, but I couldn’t for the life of me get any tears to spill forth.
I detest crying. It feels like a weakness and no appeal to logic has changed the way I process it emotionally. But my chest was so tight it felt like my muscles and bones were being pulled into a knot in the center of my chest. The tension was such that I wouldn’t be surprised if my whole being just vanished, swallowed up by a thoracic black hole. So I tried to force it out. It felt like crying was the only thing that would ease the very real physical pain.
When that didn’t work, I turned to my old standby. I binged. -_-
Not my shining moment. Were you to contrast it to the binges of yore, this was more of a late night snack than a true binge. But compared to the way I’ve been eating lately, it was out of control. It did the trick, though. It calmed me enough that I could breathe again. I was even rational enough to talk myself out of the post-binge spiral. I reminded myself that I hadn’t failed. I reminded myself that circumstances were extenuating and that I haven’t yet developed the tools necessary to deal with panic to that degree in a healthy way. I also reminded myself that it was only a momentary glitch. A cheat day that showed up early.
Hopped on the scale this morning and I was a pound lighter than yesterday. Ha!! But I didn’t get lazy. I’m still fighting the fit fight and loving it. I did the 30-Day Shred DVD in the morning then immediately hit the trails for an hour and a half of hiking. Now I’m at work and as soon as I’m off, I’ll be heading straight to the gym to train chest and then squeeze in a little more cardio. It’s a pace that not everyone can maintain, I understand that. But I have no man and no kids to tether me and I truly enjoy being immersed in beast mode, so in beast mode I shall stay.
Oh, what was that? You noticed that I’m lifting again? OH HELL YES I AM! I’m lifting and loving it. In fits and starts I managed to get back into a solid routine. In June (maybe even May?) I resolved to push anxiety aside and step onto the gym floor, iron in hand. I would do it for a day, sometimes even three, then eventually cave. I’d have to screw up my courage all over again, try to work up a plan for myself, and once again run away to the safety of the cardio machines. Then one day… It just worked. I was able to get onto the floor, complete an entire set, repeat the next day and the next… And for almost a month now I’ve been lifting five days a week. It feels AMAZING and I’m so glad I didn’t give up on myself.
I haven’t had as much support in my pursuit of the iron as I might like, but I’m thankful for those who cheer me on. I showed one friend a video of me deadlifting 225 lbs (yeah, you read that right) and he asked, "What are you trying to do? Lift a car?" "Not yet," I replied lightly, "but maybe one day!" It wasn’t a cruel comment, but I’m hypersensitive and it didn’t feel great to have to defend myself as he later started schooling me on how I should lift lighter weights. Thanks, but no thanks.
Lifting is one area in which I know I’m gifted. Not everyone is. It’s more than brute strength, it’s passion for the sport. When I lift, the effects linger in the most magical way. Yes, it boosts your metabolism, but it goes beyond that. It clears my head. It lifts my spirits. It instills in me a sense of confidence and makes me feel worthwhile as a person. It tempers the anxiety. Not to mention I get high as fuck after completing a heavy set!
That is where my life is at right now. My focus is on what makes me happiest: the gym. It’s my sanity while the rest of my life floats in limbo.
Maybe I’ll dive into that tomorrow.