Updateness
I’ve been thinking a lot about why it is that I haven’t been writing here. The reasons are layered, but overall my writing is reflective of my offline behavior: when I’m feeling sensitive or vulnerable, I pull away. I hide in my little bubble world, where I can look out and watch the world turn all by me onesie.
But I suppose that isn’t any healthier online than it is off. I had one heck of an emotional day yesterday. And it all boiled down to that little bubble in which I love to float around. I left the gym in a daze and drove around aimlessly, willing myself to cry. Failed. My eyes would get misty, but I couldn’t for the life of me get any tears to spill forth.
I detest crying. It feels like a weakness and no appeal to logic has changed the way I process it emotionally. But my chest was so tight it felt like my muscles and bones were being pulled into a knot in the center of my chest. The tension was such that I wouldn’t be surprised if my whole being just vanished, swallowed up by a thoracic black hole. So I tried to force it out. It felt like crying was the only thing that would ease the very real physical pain.
When that didn’t work, I turned to my old standby. I binged. -_-
Not my shining moment. Were you to contrast it to the binges of yore, this was more of a late night snack than a true binge. But compared to the way I’ve been eating lately, it was out of control. It did the trick, though. It calmed me enough that I could breathe again. I was even rational enough to talk myself out of the post-binge spiral. I reminded myself that I hadn’t failed. I reminded myself that circumstances were extenuating and that I haven’t yet developed the tools necessary to deal with panic to that degree in a healthy way. I also reminded myself that it was only a momentary glitch. A cheat day that showed up early.
Hopped on the scale this morning and I was a pound lighter than yesterday. Ha!! But I didn’t get lazy. I’m still fighting the fit fight and loving it. I did the 30-Day Shred DVD in the morning then immediately hit the trails for an hour and a half of hiking. Now I’m at work and as soon as I’m off, I’ll be heading straight to the gym to train chest and then squeeze in a little more cardio. It’s a pace that not everyone can maintain, I understand that. But I have no man and no kids to tether me and I truly enjoy being immersed in beast mode, so in beast mode I shall stay.
Oh, what was that? You noticed that I’m lifting again? OH HELL YES I AM! I’m lifting and loving it. In fits and starts I managed to get back into a solid routine. In June (maybe even May?) I resolved to push anxiety aside and step onto the gym floor, iron in hand. I would do it for a day, sometimes even three, then eventually cave. I’d have to screw up my courage all over again, try to work up a plan for myself, and once again run away to the safety of the cardio machines. Then one day… It just worked. I was able to get onto the floor, complete an entire set, repeat the next day and the next… And for almost a month now I’ve been lifting five days a week. It feels AMAZING and I’m so glad I didn’t give up on myself.
I haven’t had as much support in my pursuit of the iron as I might like, but I’m thankful for those who cheer me on. I showed one friend a video of me deadlifting 225 lbs (yeah, you read that right) and he asked, "What are you trying to do? Lift a car?" "Not yet," I replied lightly, "but maybe one day!" It wasn’t a cruel comment, but I’m hypersensitive and it didn’t feel great to have to defend myself as he later started schooling me on how I should lift lighter weights. Thanks, but no thanks.
Lifting is one area in which I know I’m gifted. Not everyone is. It’s more than brute strength, it’s passion for the sport. When I lift, the effects linger in the most magical way. Yes, it boosts your metabolism, but it goes beyond that. It clears my head. It lifts my spirits. It instills in me a sense of confidence and makes me feel worthwhile as a person. It tempers the anxiety. Not to mention I get high as fuck after completing a heavy set!
That is where my life is at right now. My focus is on what makes me happiest: the gym. It’s my sanity while the rest of my life floats in limbo.
Maybe I’ll dive into that tomorrow.
Maybe.
Glad to see you back here. I haven’t been to the gym in forever and someday I will do it. But til then, I will get some inspiration from you. Hope you have a good week. Take care.
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*Obligatory “Do you even lift?” joke*
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That’s how I feel about the gym. It’s the only place where I feel like I’m myself. Outside of the gym I feel like I’m a million different people, but none are me. At the gym, I’m just me and I just do what I do and it feels really good lol Anxiety and binging go hand in hand. I’m convinced that going off of my anxiety meds is what triggered that weight gain last summer!
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It’s rather disheartening when we’re all proud of ourselves and we’re met with, “Why would you do that?” Screw everybody.
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I guess I can see your point of crying being a weakness but I have to do it ever so often just because it builds up and just comes out and I feel better. It’s good that you have an outlet that you can use to get rid of some of the stresses.
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Wow that’s impressive! Why did he think you need to lift lighter weights? Was it because “but you’re a guuuuurl!”? If so, fuck him in the neck.
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I hate crying too, but it does sort of purge your system, emotionally.
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I am impressed with your lifting. I had no idea you did that. I am way behind in reading diaries. Have to look back and see where you are working. 🙂
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*hugs* I feel like I’ve been in a binge/post-binge spiral for the last 18 months. Congrats on not just avoiding that, but actually losing a pound. Well done! I want to see this video of you dead lifting 225lbs!
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Oooo, I just started in on weights, too! I tend to use the Universial machine a lot, but my boyfriend showed me that I can handle much heavier weights than I thought (I was pretty intimidated until he showed me that I don’t have to be so timid). It feels _so_ good!
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woot! an update! I totally feel ya on hating to cry 🙁 I wish that I could get in a work out momentum like that. I barely squeeze in my 45 mins, you go girl! ryn: I didn’t communicate that well…. we got in a fight… over other stuff and mostly because I’m bitchy and sensitive this time of the month lol
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ryn, thanks, that was really nice. I woke up and read that comment on my phone in bed, and had to chortle 😀 I think it’d be a great idea if it was possible to have a personal cheerleading team following you around ^^
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RYN: That’s awesome!! They were supposed to have a home, somewhere outside of Columbus, back in the 80’s but I never knew exactly where or why.
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ryn, mwahahah well, clearly it worked :’D
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Although I’ve been writing for years, sometimes I wonder if it’s healthy writing about all the negative stuff… I guess if you can write it and then forget about it, it’s good, but some people write and write and write negative and I think it leaves you wallowing in it. Know what I mean? But I could be wrong… I’ve seen and know people to be passionate about weights but I was never oneof them.. but definitely know what you’re talking about and I love that enthusiasm and passion 🙂
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ryn, I knooow :[ today was much, much better, though.
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ryn, *whispers* don’t tell anyone, but I hope it lasts for a few days more so I can really concentrate on writing my research plan. *shifty eyes*
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Thank you so much…I’m glad to know that even though I don’t always make the best decisions…I still have support. I’m so grateful 🙂
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ryn, thank you. I think at some point it will be ok, one way or another. And yeah, it’s crazy how there’s a misconnect in my brain where on the one hand I wrote that entry knowing this all was horrible, and on the other, I’m not quite past the “but even so, I should still be there for him.” Anyway, thank you for the note 🙂
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RYN: I do take classes in several different places in my area, and I have a large network of friends/past teachers and instructors who I can go to for support. But I am really alone wolf in this venture, because a lot of them got college degrees in Dance or Fitness or Kineseology, I’m the only one I know going this route. So while I can get SOME support, I can’t get everything. 😀
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Keirsten Erickson 138 Kohler Street Apt 207 Sault Ste. Marie, ON P6A 3V1 If you can, drop one a day in the mailbox rather than all 8 at once. Or heck, do whatever because I’ll love getting them no matter what!! 😀
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I’m logging in after such a long time that I read an entry & feel totally lost.That being said, I am not sure where you left off last (will read previous entries some other day since I have to study for exams), but I am sure glad to read that your gym-ing is going well. Ryn: I agree, it’s definitely a step forward. I can log in now, after a few trials 😉 Not all my bookmarks always work though 🙁
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Ryn: Yeah, he’s definitely not trying to hide me. He’s introduced me to a lot of people (friends and family) and even puts his arm around me in public, so, I don’t think I should be too concerned. But you’re right, there’s still that little pang. I just took your advice and completely hid my relationship status. Thanks for the note!
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Also hate crying, but sometimes I just know that I have to. Crappy thing is, once I finally let the tears flow, it takes forever to stop them. Le sigh. lol
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Isn’t it just great when you find what you’re good at!? Don’t give up! Only the strong survive!
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RYN: Thanks! Happy New Year to you too!
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