I’ve been thinking a lot about why it is that I haven’t been writing here.  The reasons are layered, but overall my writing is reflective of my offline behavior: when I’m feeling sensitive or vulnerable, I pull away.  I hide in my little bubble world, where I can look out and watch the world turn all by me onesie.

But I suppose that isn’t any healthier online than it is off. I had one heck of an emotional day yesterday. And it all boiled down to that little bubble in which I love to float around. I left the gym in a daze  and drove around aimlessly, willing myself to cry. Failed. My eyes would  get misty, but I couldn’t for the life of me get any tears to spill forth.

I detest crying. It feels like a weakness and no appeal to logic has changed the way I process it emotionally. But my chest was so tight it  felt like my muscles and bones were being pulled into a knot in the center of my chest. The tension was such that I wouldn’t be surprised if my whole being just vanished, swallowed up by a thoracic black hole. So I tried to force it out. It felt like crying was the only thing that would ease the very real physical pain.

When that didn’t work, I turned to my old standby. I binged. -_-

Not my shining moment. Were you to contrast it to the binges of yore, this was more of a late night snack than a true binge. But compared to the way I’ve been eating lately, it was out of control. It did the trick, though. It calmed me enough that I could breathe again. I was even rational enough to talk myself out of the post-binge spiral. I reminded myself that I hadn’t failed. I reminded myself that circumstances were extenuating and that I haven’t yet developed the tools necessary to deal with panic to that degree in a healthy way. I also reminded myself that it was only a momentary glitch. A cheat day that showed up early.

Hopped on the scale this morning and I was a pound lighter than yesterday. Ha!! But I didn’t get lazy. I’m still fighting the fit fight and loving  it. I did the 30-Day Shred DVD in the morning then immediately hit the trails for an hour and a half of hiking. Now I’m at work and as soon as I’m off, I’ll be heading straight to the gym to train chest and then squeeze in a little more cardio. It’s a pace that not everyone can  maintain, I understand that. But I have no man and no kids to tether me and I truly enjoy being immersed in beast mode, so in beast mode I shall stay.

Oh, what was that? You noticed that I’m lifting again? OH HELL YES I AM!  I’m lifting and loving it. In fits and starts I managed to get back into a solid routine. In June (maybe even May?) I resolved to push anxiety aside and step onto the gym floor, iron in hand. I would do it for a day, sometimes even three, then eventually cave. I’d have to screw up my courage all over again, try to work up a plan for myself, and once again run away to the safety of the cardio machines. Then one day… It just worked. I was able to get onto the floor, complete an entire set,  repeat the next day and the next… And for almost a month now I’ve been lifting five days a week. It feels AMAZING and I’m so glad I didn’t  give up on myself.

I  haven’t had as much support in my pursuit of the iron as I might like, but I’m thankful for those who cheer me on. I showed one friend a video of me deadlifting 225 lbs (yeah, you read that right) and he asked,  "What are you trying to do? Lift a car?" "Not yet," I replied lightly,  "but maybe one day!" It wasn’t a cruel comment, but I’m hypersensitive and it didn’t feel great to have to defend myself as he later started schooling me on how I should lift lighter weights. Thanks, but no thanks.

Lifting is one area in which I know I’m gifted. Not everyone is. It’s more than brute strength, it’s passion for the sport. When I lift, the effects linger in the most magical way. Yes, it boosts your metabolism, but it goes beyond that. It clears my head. It lifts my spirits. It instills in me a sense of confidence and makes me feel worthwhile as a person. It tempers the anxiety. Not to mention I get high as fuck after completing a heavy set!

That is where my life is at right now. My focus is on what makes me happiest: the gym. It’s my sanity while the rest of my life floats in  limbo.

Maybe I’ll dive into that tomorrow.


Log in to write a note

Glad to see you back here. I haven’t been to the gym in forever and someday I will do it. But til then, I will get some inspiration from you. Hope you have a good week. Take care.

August 21, 2013

*Obligatory “Do you even lift?” joke*

August 21, 2013

That’s how I feel about the gym. It’s the only place where I feel like I’m myself. Outside of the gym I feel like I’m a million different people, but none are me. At the gym, I’m just me and I just do what I do and it feels really good lol Anxiety and binging go hand in hand. I’m convinced that going off of my anxiety meds is what triggered that weight gain last summer!

August 21, 2013

It’s rather disheartening when we’re all proud of ourselves and we’re met with, “Why would you do that?” Screw everybody.

August 21, 2013

I guess I can see your point of crying being a weakness but I have to do it ever so often just because it builds up and just comes out and I feel better. It’s good that you have an outlet that you can use to get rid of some of the stresses.

August 22, 2013

Wow that’s impressive! Why did he think you need to lift lighter weights? Was it because “but you’re a guuuuurl!”? If so, fuck him in the neck.

August 22, 2013

I hate crying too, but it does sort of purge your system, emotionally.

August 22, 2013

I am impressed with your lifting. I had no idea you did that. I am way behind in reading diaries. Have to look back and see where you are working. πŸ™‚

*hugs* I feel like I’ve been in a binge/post-binge spiral for the last 18 months. Congrats on not just avoiding that, but actually losing a pound. Well done! I want to see this video of you dead lifting 225lbs!

August 23, 2013

Oooo, I just started in on weights, too! I tend to use the Universial machine a lot, but my boyfriend showed me that I can handle much heavier weights than I thought (I was pretty intimidated until he showed me that I don’t have to be so timid). It feels _so_ good!

August 25, 2013

woot! an update! I totally feel ya on hating to cry πŸ™ I wish that I could get in a work out momentum like that. I barely squeeze in my 45 mins, you go girl! ryn: I didn’t communicate that well…. we got in a fight… over other stuff and mostly because I’m bitchy and sensitive this time of the month lol

August 29, 2013

ryn, thanks, that was really nice. I woke up and read that comment on my phone in bed, and had to chortle πŸ˜€ I think it’d be a great idea if it was possible to have a personal cheerleading team following you around ^^

RYN: That’s awesome!! They were supposed to have a home, somewhere outside of Columbus, back in the 80’s but I never knew exactly where or why.

August 29, 2013

ryn, mwahahah well, clearly it worked :’D

September 2, 2013

Although I’ve been writing for years, sometimes I wonder if it’s healthy writing about all the negative stuff… I guess if you can write it and then forget about it, it’s good, but some people write and write and write negative and I think it leaves you wallowing in it. Know what I mean? But I could be wrong… I’ve seen and know people to be passionate about weights but I was never oneof them.. but definitely know what you’re talking about and I love that enthusiasm and passion πŸ™‚

September 3, 2013

ryn, I knooow :[ today was much, much better, though.

September 8, 2013

ryn, *whispers* don’t tell anyone, but I hope it lasts for a few days more so I can really concentrate on writing my research plan. *shifty eyes*

October 11, 2013

Thank you so much…I’m glad to know that even though I don’t always make the best decisions…I still have support. I’m so grateful πŸ™‚

October 15, 2013

ryn, thank you. I think at some point it will be ok, one way or another. And yeah, it’s crazy how there’s a misconnect in my brain where on the one hand I wrote that entry knowing this all was horrible, and on the other, I’m not quite past the “but even so, I should still be there for him.” Anyway, thank you for the note πŸ™‚

RYN: I do take classes in several different places in my area, and I have a large network of friends/past teachers and instructors who I can go to for support. But I am really alone wolf in this venture, because a lot of them got college degrees in Dance or Fitness or Kineseology, I’m the only one I know going this route. So while I can get SOME support, I can’t get everything. πŸ˜€

Keirsten Erickson 138 Kohler Street Apt 207 Sault Ste. Marie, ON P6A 3V1 If you can, drop one a day in the mailbox rather than all 8 at once. Or heck, do whatever because I’ll love getting them no matter what!! πŸ˜€

November 5, 2013

I’m logging in after such a long time that I read an entry & feel totally lost.That being said, I am not sure where you left off last (will read previous entries some other day since I have to study for exams), but I am sure glad to read that your gym-ing is going well. Ryn: I agree, it’s definitely a step forward. I can log in now, after a few trials πŸ˜‰ Not all my bookmarks always work though πŸ™

November 18, 2013

Ryn: Yeah, he’s definitely not trying to hide me. He’s introduced me to a lot of people (friends and family) and even puts his arm around me in public, so, I don’t think I should be too concerned. But you’re right, there’s still that little pang. I just took your advice and completely hid my relationship status. Thanks for the note!

November 18, 2013

Also hate crying, but sometimes I just know that I have to. Crappy thing is, once I finally let the tears flow, it takes forever to stop them. Le sigh. lol

November 19, 2013

Isn’t it just great when you find what you’re good at!? Don’t give up! Only the strong survive!

December 27, 2013

RYN: Thanks! Happy New Year to you too!