I’m suicidal and I hate it
It’s gotten so bad. I don’t remember when the thoughts came back.
I don’t want to keep it in the family either. My mother in law killed herself in October and I’ve dealt with many suicides and deaths of friends in the past couple of years.
Noticing that my friends don’t give a shit about my feelings. I’m such a hassle to my husband, I cant get a hold of my emotions. I’m on meds for it but it’s just not enough.
I cry and cry about the thoughts the haunt me. I conceal carry, which is good and bad. I just think of the peace that I can have if I’m gone. Maybe people would feel bad for treating me like they did.
I don’t know… It really sucks. I just want to be normal and happy. But I’m stuck with being emotionally damaged.
I’m so fucked. I honestly think the world will be better without me.
As the old saying goes, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Do you really need to carry a gun? The “world” won’t care one way or the other, but I’m sure there are others who will. Forget the world and do for you. It’s hard. I struggle with depression too. Love yourself.
@solovoice thank you for your note. The first sentence hits home. My husband and I hunt so there’s just guns in the house.
I’m going to try to get on the bandwagon to loving myself again. In my older entry, I mentioned that I have a family member that emotionally abuses me, yet calls me her favorite and I tried to confront her about it… Came back 100 fold. I’m still messed up about it.
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You’re not fucked. Depression is extremely difficult to deal with. I am sorry that you are feeling suicidal. The one thing I know is that depression is a liar. So if depression is telling you are a hassle to your husband, that is probably not true. It’s a very convincing liar. I have struggled with it myself, the times where I feel like everyone in the world hates me.
@heffay I appreciate your note. I’ll have to remind myself that the world doesn’t hate me
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It’s easy to armchair quarterback, but I’ve had to end a relationship with a sibling who is toxic, who can’t take responsibility or accept boundaries when confronted. It’s been for the best.
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