that moment
this morning already started out annoying.
was awoken by my roommate’s alarm, who isnt even here right now. the annoying beep beep beep but his also vibrates…ugh 5 am on my day off and i cant get back to sleep…i even went to bed at 2 am this morning. the previous night was 3 am.
so i chatted with my sister for a bit before she went to work, then my 13+ year old cat, piggy, is still randomly marking her territory everywhere, its pissing me off. she knows it pisses me off and she looks so guilty when i catch her…well dont fucking do it cat! 13+ years with us and we have NEVER let you get away with it…why would we all of a sudden let you piss everywhere! on my pillow, clothes, laptop cases, plastic bags…no matter where, she goes for it. ugh…it’s embarrassing too. i really dont want any of my roommate’s stuff get pissed on, then i have to explain to them. we dont have a dryer that works…so we let everything drip dry..which for cat spray (odd enough shes fixed), you NEED the dryer to freshen the washed previously cat-sprayed clothes. i know its a new house for her…but come on cat…please just stop
after that, i just broke down into tears. everything is so difficult (those of you who didnt read my previous post, i know others have it worse and i acknowledge that, but im not them. im not living as or for them. we need to worry about OURSELVES..we tend to forget to worry about OURSELVES) since i established i need to work on myself…its just not happening. i dont remember the last time i really was happy.
yesterday night we had a Children of the Moon meeting (will explain that too in the SCA entry that ill put up) i was just listening on how everyone was able to buy fabric to make garb and make armor, etc…and i barely have enough money to feed butterz and i. they kept on mentioning sales and i kept having to reiterate how i literally dont have the pleasure of having that extra money for anything. i was explaining how im starting to see butterz cheekbones and his jaw is more defined since its hard to feed the both of us. ive lost weight too but butterz hates how skinny he’s gotten. it hurts. we’re going to go in today for more paperwork to try to get food stamps. when we run out of food (normally the first week after payday, so in between paydays)…i try to figure out meals. butterz been finding stuff in the house that is a year or 2 expired and has that…its sad really. and it hurts.
people keep telling me what i should do. they have no idea…they really dont. for the past 4 years ive been taking care of someone else and i cant even remember what its like to not count literal pennies. what about me? where’s my break? i know people with 2 jobs, some going on 3 jobs and i cant even get a second job, i have been trying and applying like crazy. getting emails and calls back that they found someone else…probably a college douchebag or one of the reservation nutcases that cant even keep a job because theyre too damn lazy.
this year is the year of the snake. i was born in the year of the snake. i was sooo excited at the beginning of this year that i was going to make a difference and accomplish something. i did, kinda. i graduated…but im in the wrong city AND state to use my AAS degree as an entry level…not even anywhere to intern at. besides that, it was supposed to be MY year. and its shit…just like the past several years. my graduation present was $200 from my parents and i used it to get food for the house (before the roommates and butterz, it was this guy drew that was messy as hell and myself). i used it to get a shitton of groceries and drew replied with a grunt and walked away…i USED MY GRADUATION MONEY to support and be courteous for someone in need and im fucked over like that. i couldve easily saved it FOR MYSELF but i used it to help someone in need and get fucked off like it didnt matter. he didnt even eat the food, just ate the shitty ass dominoes that he works at and complains about eating it all the time…thanks guy…fucking asshole.
i dont get why this keeps happening. i strive and pursue for a change but im pushed down like the biggest kid on the playground is picking on me. push. fall. get up. repeat.
im running out of ideas of trying to make things better. i cant even hardly participate in my hobby anymore. when i go to Southern Crusades…ill be missing out on 2 days. thats nearly $180. no more vacation time either. by then…i really do hope butterz has a job…i cant keep doing this.
this is the american dream…while theres people out there that complain about no money…they have their smartphones, ipads AND ipods…their cars and their subscriptions to random stuff…here i am…no smartphone, no ipad and a broken mp3 player…no car and supporting another person on one income with no help…its hard. i can truly say its hard and it hurts. life keeps raping the shit out of me, no lube…no cuddles…
i just want to be happy