Things just have to get better….right?

It has been way too long since I’ve written an entry. Life got in the way. Actually, I probably should have been posting all through 2020 just because it probably would have kept me from losing my mind. But maybe not.

2020 was the worst year of my life. In April my grandma (dad’s mom) passed away. I had to watch the funeral online because only 10 people were allowed to be in the funeral home. I was sad and I shed a few tears, but I wasn’t especially close to this grandma. I loved her with all my heart, don’t get me wrong, but we just weren’t close.

I lost my job due to this stupid Covid bullshit. I didn’t need the job, but I enjoyed it. Now that the holidays are over and my son and daughter-in-law have gone back home, I’m going to start looking for another job.

I moved out of my apartment and in with my sister. I really had my doubts about this living situation working out, but we’re getting along beautifully. We had one bad argument and she called me a few choice names, said she hated my guts, and told me to get the fuck out of her house. I told her I already paid my part of the mortgage so I wasn’t going anywhere. She didn’t like that at the time but now she says she was proud of me for standing up to her…lol! My sister is younger than me, but she’s the boss. I’m very timid and people pretty much walk all over me, and my sister is very assertive and has a very dominant personality, so I usually cower when she goes off on me. Not anymore. Okay, not as bad. It’s something my therapist and I are working on.

My sister and I both had Covid in October and was it miserable! The worst parts of it for me were the non-stop excruciating headache and the sore throat that literally brought tears to my eyes every time I swallowed. We loaded up on vitamins and drank lots of fluids and treated the symptoms as best we could, but it felt like it lasted forever!

Not proud of this next part, but it is what it is. I spent time in the hospital in September to detox off of drugs and alcohol. I started abusing drugs and alcohol a while back and it got so bad that my sister came to me crying, begged me to get help, said she wanted her sister back. At first I was like, screw that, I’m fine. Then one day I went with her over to a friend of hers house and was so loopy I was stumbling everywhere. I agreed that day to go into the hospital and get help.

Detoxing was horrific! The shakes, the dizziness, the blurry vision…it was awful. I wouldn’t wish any of it on my worst enemy. But the worst part of all of it was what it cost me. I stopped spending as much time with my granny (mom’s mom) as I had been. I lost a best friend because I turned into an asshole. I did a lot of things I’m so ashamed of, and I have to live with those things for the rest of my life. Most days I wish I could go back to before it all started and make different choices. AA is helping me not to hate myself. My sponsor tells me all the time to let her and my AA sisters love me until I can love myself. I’m trying..I really am.

Two days after Thanksgiving my granny (mom’s mom) died. Her death literally brought me to my knees. I was her first grandchild, and she helped raise me. We had a bond that was unbreakable. I went into a state of shock when my sister came into my room and told me that she’d died. I got up and hugged my sister, but I didn’t cry. After that I just kept wandering around the house, still not crying. It wasn’t until hours later when I was sitting outside smoking a cigarette that it finally hit me like a ton of bricks….she was gone. Then the tears came and didn’t stop for days. I still can’t believe she’s gone. I catch myself picking up the phone to call her or driving down her street to go see her before remembering she isn’t there anymore.

As if losing granny wasn’t bad enough, a few days after the funeral one of our aunts called my sister and asked about granny’s cross necklace. Stacey told the aunt that she had it because granny had given it to her. Auntie called my sister a liar and thief and got the whole damn family involved. It lasted for weeks and was awful! I knew for a fact that my granny had given my sister the necklace and told everyone that,  but auntie refused to believe me. It wasn’t until granny’s sister told auntie that yes, granny had given the necklace to Stacey because granny had told her so, that auntie chilled the fuck out and apologized for her behavior. But the damage is done. This aunt and my sister had been very close and now that’s over. My sister was devastated by the whole thing. My heart aches for her still.

So yeah, that was my 2020 basically. Very few ups, lots of lows, some of the lows brought on by myself. But I’ll keep on keeping on because that’s what my granny would want, and I’m going to do everything I can to make this a much better year!

I wish you all love, health, joy, happiness and laughter for 2021!