April 6, 2018

I’ve been struggling so badly with anxiety for the last couple of days. I’ve no idea why it comes and goes like it does. I’m fine for weeks at a time, and then BAM! It’s back with a vengeance and I start having heart palpitations randomly basically all day long for days at a time. it’s horrible. My therapist is constantly telling me not to “judge myself” for this struggle but seriously… this is some bullshit. I am sick and fucking tired of feeling this way. do you know how unnerving it is to feel like your heart is literally STOPPING and starting again???? I think I do believe that this is my body’s way of trying to tell me something isn’t right in my life… not necessarily physically, but mentally and emotionally. I just wish I could figure out what it’s trying to tell me.

Things with joe have been status quo for the last few weeks. We just got back from a trip to Colorado to visit my sister and her fiancé and see their new house. it was a good vacation and joe seemed happier away from home. maybe work is a bigger part of his stress and unhappiness than I initially thought. maybe there is some hope for us after all. but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried that my anxiety may stem from a gut feeling that we shouldn’t be together… maybe I’m lying to myself. maybe I should just end it now before my life falls apart and I can no longer function through these panic attacks. I don’t know. all I know is that I am tired of feeling anxious. I just want to feel happy. I just want to feel at peace.

I interviewed for a supervisor position at work and didn’t get it. I thought I’d be disappointed if I didn’t get it, but actually I feel sort of relieved. I don’t feel ready to take on that kind of responsibility at this point in my life, when everything else feels like it’s falling apart.