I’ve been struggling so badly with anxiety for the last couple of days. I’ve no idea why it comes and goes like it does. I’m fine for weeks at a time, and then BAM! It’s back with a vengeance and I start having heart palpitations randomly basically all day long for days at a time. it’s horrible. My therapist is constantly telling me not to “judge myself” for this struggle but seriously… this is some bullshit. I am sick and fucking tired of feeling this way. do you know how unnerving it is to feel like your heart is literally STOPPING and starting again???? I think I do believe that this is my body’s way of trying to tell me something isn’t right in my life… not necessarily physically, but mentally and emotionally. I just wish I could figure out what it’s trying to tell me.
Things with joe have been status quo for the last few weeks. We just got back from a trip to Colorado to visit my sister and her fiancé and see their new house. it was a good vacation and joe seemed happier away from home. maybe work is a bigger part of his stress and unhappiness than I initially thought. maybe there is some hope for us after all. but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried that my anxiety may stem from a gut feeling that we shouldn’t be together… maybe I’m lying to myself. maybe I should just end it now before my life falls apart and I can no longer function through these panic attacks. I don’t know. all I know is that I am tired of feeling anxious. I just want to feel happy. I just want to feel at peace.
I interviewed for a supervisor position at work and didn’t get it. I thought I’d be disappointed if I didn’t get it, but actually I feel sort of relieved. I don’t feel ready to take on that kind of responsibility at this point in my life, when everything else feels like it’s falling apart.