i’ve never confronted myself on how i feel. it’s so easy to ignore your emotions, insecurities and acknowledge everything dark and depressing about you. i’ve never learned how to be open with anyone. i can’t even be honest about my feelings to others. it’s only times like this, at 3-4 am where i have nothing more to do than ponder about it.
i hate my living situation. the big picture is, it’s small. it’s cramped. it’s old. dingy. infested. low vibrational.
i’m poor. my family is poor. we live in a low quality of life.
sometimes i want to kill myself (deep, deep inside. i’m not suicidal often.) because life is so boring, pointless, unfair.
but then, i’m afraid of death. what if there is something for me?
i have nothing to do or live for. i have no passions and have to force myself not to sleep every single hour of the day.
i have no friends. i don’t get to go to someone’s house and unwind for a little while. i have online friends but that’s different.
my mother is overprotective. i’m an adult, but under her roof i’m a child.
she infantilizes me and thinks i’m incapable of doing anything.
she doesn’t think so, but she is the reason why i’m so ignorant of things and incapable.
how do you expect me to know stuff if i can’t go anywhere without you telling me to fucking come home.
i can tell she’s depressed. her depression rubs off on me.
that’s why i’m so depressed.
my brother’s a fucking r*tard. his father is a mentally ill, stupid ignorant piece of shit.
my older sister has left and got her own place and hasn’t told my mom the address.
i completely understand why.
i want to start working again, save my money, finish university and get my life together so i can leave.
maybe to another state if i’m lucky.
i just cannot do this for much longer.
idk how long it’ll take but it’s up to me to continue raising myself up emotionally so i get motivation to leave.
imagine hating yourself and your circumstances, but youre also too depressed to do a goddamn thing about it.
its like a never-ending cycle of self-hatred.