write this long drawn out Happy New Years Day entry, but I’m not gonna lol. I am not making resolutions, but I will be making changes. I wish I had plans, but I’ll be at home doing nothing as usual. Either S is oblivious to my behavior lately, as I’m not into this relationship as much as I used to be, or he doesn’t care as long as he gets some. I doubt he’s satisfied but I don’t really care anymore. It’s really hard to just walk away, tho I will have to.
I love him, but I don’t love what’s become of this relationship or how he makes me feel. I look at him when he’s sleep and just feel disgust. Then I’m like where do I go when this is over. I don’t have the money to just leave at a moments notice. So even i have to move back home, I can’t do it for at least a few more months. I do have classes for spring that I wanna finish, but I’m toying with dropping it and finishing when I move. I wanna at least get my taxes filed. I kind of want to stick in school long enough to get the refund, if any. I’m also toying with the idea of cashing in some or all of my 401k until I can find a new job.
Ive gotten another no from a position in my store. I got another no from that hospital cleaning job after all the bullshit my references had to do for me. I am done looking for work here. I’m done! So I will be making preparations to get back to where I can find a job and affordable living that isn’t In the ghetto. I’m not gonna wait another year to see if things get better, to see if I get engaged, see if the relationship suddenly starts to legitely thrive or anything of that sort anymore. I don’t want to marry him, and I don’t wanna stay here anymore. At least not with him!