I feel sad

I wish I could turn the thoughts off while I’m at work. I don’t understand why people think you’re ok with their crazy ways just because you’re family. As if my mental health isn’t important too. I’m quite tired of giving so much of myself and people still want more! I hate feeling like everything I say or do is up for discussion. And my sisters reason for telling me about mom being tired of my jokes and me taking to S on the phone while we’re in the car, is for moms sake. What the fuck does that mean? It’s not that I don’t care about mom, but what about me? Why can’t someone care about my feelings or doing something to avoid hurting me. I am trying to snap out of this mood. It’s hard to smile knowing they are taking about what you do and how they don’t like it to someone else. Now I have to be cautious of what I say or do. They act like I’m supposed to be able to tolerate what they do, while criticizing what I do or say. Who do I talk to know. I work, S works and our schedules clash. I don’t always stay on the phone so long, but when mom is on the phone in the car, I don’t say shit. I can’t stay here. I’m more unhappy than I was before I left. Like I don’t get it. Family is supposed to be a safe haven. It’s the same level of stress, but with no outlet. I’m tired and I will go if I have to ship my shit and fly away. I need a break from them. Neither one of them wanna male steps to better themselves and I’m tired of being the ref and the maid. I’m all for helping mom, but like I said she will take advantage of me help. Because she’s my mother, she still acts like I’m supposed to do everything she asks and is mentally abusive when she’s pissed. I think she is the reason my sisters anxiety is so bad. I pray things get better for them soon, but I cannot be dragged down into this mental chaos going on in my family. I just don’t have the ability to handle it, so I have to go. I will not lose my mind over this. I can’t. I’ll just have to love them from afar, like I said. ☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️

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September 9, 2019

I totally get family suppose to be a safe haven. If only we were so lucky for that. I get so mad at mine at times. It is crazy how they are and then I end up feeling like the wrong one because I have compassion.. Hang in there