and as soon as I can I’m moving. Ok maybe I don’t hate them, but I cannot live with them. They drive me crazy! I left a stressful situation to go to another. I wish I had stayed in NC and just moved to a hotel until I could get my own place or perhaps things patched up with S and I. My sis needs mental and physical therapy. I think my mom does, but I know she’s under a lot of stress from dealing with catering to my sis with her anxiety issues, and working two jobs. Some of moms habits drive me crazy, and that’s a lot of the reason I’d always look to get my own place whenever I had to move back home. I need my own space, I need to do what I want instead of having to always do what everyone else wants. I don’t wanna be here but I’m stuck and I will be moving back to NC soon as I can. I love my family, but I’ll have to do so from a distance. I guess you could say I have a dysfunctional family. All sorts of jacked up folks. I don’t need to be in the negative environment that I moved into, but I will have to deal. I can get out and work out, but I know when I start working it’ll take my mind off my troubles.
I will be going to visit NC the end of this month before I start working. I need this time, and I need different company. I’m so stressed right now. I will be seeing S, and in comparison it’ll be a nice change from the bullshit I live with since moving here. He and I are trying to mend things I guess. I’ve gotten a much better side from him lately, and to be honest I’d prefer this to dealing with two folks with stress and anxiety when I already have enough of my own. I’m moving back and that’ll be as soon as I can gather up enough money to make that happen. Hopefully I can transfer my job so I don’t have to worry about finding one.
These folks are so negative. Mom is always trying to throw death in our face. Like yes I know one day she will die, and that is not a day I will ever look forward to. She just talks “well you never know” and yes that’s true but who keeps doing that are you trying to guilt trip me? I can’t care for my sister, so mom needs to set up for my sis to get help NOW so she can care for herself. Like once I showed mom a calendar I made on Shutterfly and she goes “oooh if I’m still here this time next year, I wanna make one” it irritates me when she talks like that because she does it often. I don’t mean to toss it aside like it can’t happen, but it’s depressing to hear sometime be stuck on that at times. All I can do is pray for her mental health. I love mom and will do what I can but I can’t help her situation. I can only do so much.
I also have to deal with my sisters mood swings and her selfish ways. She wants mom all to herself and gets an attitude when she spends too much time with me. She’d rather mom stay in her room and watch her play sims or watch movies on tv. She tries to guilt trip me cause i won’t spend hours doing that. She tries to manipulate. She’ll try to use her anxiety to guilt trip you to do what she wants. She once tried to scare us into not leaving her alone too long (she didn’t wanna go with us to the store btw) acting like she didn’t trust herself to be alone. That girl does not wanna die, she just likes to play that card to get you to do what she wants. She used to take meds, but they make her act a whole lot worse. I need to get information on how to get my sister on disability so she can get the help she needs and it could take some of the stress off mom. I love and care about them both, I just can’t deal with them and my own issues. Their ways of living are not how I wanna live. I can’t keep trying to clean a house that no one else is helping me to do.