I’ve got to get out lol

I don’t think I can stay here too much longer. That is, living with mom and sis. I can’t with the clutter, and the other things I’ve noticed about them that I won’t mention. It’s not that I’m some kind of snob, and yes they are family and I love them, but I cannot. This “unclean” smell isnt working for me, and I know that both of them seem to be dealing with some sort of depression, so I guess I understand. It’s just it wasn’t like this before I left, and this is not the family I grew up with. I feel bad for feeling this way, but I need to live by myself. I will always come to visit, and I will do what I can to help, as well as see about getting them both some counseling. I wouldn’t invite anyone over, it’s that bad. So I don’t like the living conditions. I don’t say anything because I don’t want to hurt their feelings. I have been trying my best to get some things done tho, thrown stuff away and rearranging so it at least looks like a home. I have a lot of work to do and it’s overwhelming. My mom likes to hold on to things she won’t actually use and it’s annoying and sad. Maybe I can look into getting help keeping things clean. Mom is always tired cause she works two jobs, and sis has issues walking and can’t stand for long periods of time. However, just living here a week, I see some of the issue IS laziness. So I’m doing my best to keep things clean, but it’s not easy doing it alone. I have not lived at home for almost 8 years, and to go back to living with them is an adjustment.

Also, one main reason I am going to have to get my own place soon is because I desperately need privacy. The only real time I get to myself is bed time. I mean during the day, I usually have the living room to myself. I spend all day watching TV, playing on my phone and all that. I also spend time going threw the bins of junk and keeping what I feel is important. I plan to go through what’s left with her, so she can either try to organize it or toss it. But yeah when I am in the living room, occasionally my sis will come into the living room and wanna hold long convos about nothing. I listen to be nice, but I’m at a time where I need alone time. And if I need to cry I run the risk of being seen, so I’m always on alert. The only real time I get to cry is bedtime, but then lies random times where they barge in. No one knocks or anything. It’s not my home, it’s not my room, so I can’t complain. They don’t seem to understand my need for privacy and alone time. I’m still not “ok” and having to pretend I’m ok for them to refrain from asking is a challenge. I am sad, I wanna loud ugly cry, and I have to do silently. I wanna do this without someone feeling sorry for me, this makes me feel worse cause I am already depressed. I don’t like for people to see me cry. I also need to be able to do my own thing. I’ve gotten too used to it. I need to figure how to get driving lessons. I feel like a loser for not knowing. A lot of my issue is fear, but I haven’t had anyone to teach me. So I’m looking into a school here. I wish I had done so when I lived in NC. 

I do plan to move back to NC. I hope mom can go with me, she’s gonna renew her lease here. I will try my best to make that happen for her, but I have to go back there. You guys have no idea how much i hate that i came here, cause I HATE indy. I just didn’t feel I had anywhere else to go. I guess we’ll try to save up for all of us to move, but like I said before she’s tried for 3 years and I’m thinking maybe God doesn’t want that for her just yet. I miss NC, not just cause of S, but because I just love the area. I love the attractions in nearby cities. There is NOTHING here. It’s easier to live here rent wise, but then you have to be careful not to end up on the crap side of town. One where pizza places won’t deliver. My mom’s apts is one, cause of ignorant folks. I may get lucky if I order during the day, cause I was able to order Dominoes the other day. I have a few apts I am looking into. I think i will get a studio. I found a couple that are in my price range. I’d still be able to afford to save up big chunks of money for moving and other emergencies. I know it seems like a waste of time to come here and then go right back, but I am going back. I still don’t know if that will be with S, cause I fight with that daily. He’d like for me to come back, and I do think the distance was needed, but I keep thinking of why I left. I just can’t believe he doesn’t think HE is the reason I left. He has the potential to be a great guy, I have had that from him in the past. I just need God to reveal S to himself. If anything I would NOT want another woman to have to deal with what I did with him. We had the potential for a great, happy, and loving relationship, but he’s a narcissist. They are SO hard to live and deal with. What I will do, when I start planning to move back is make sure I have a legit full paying job set in place. I want it to be as easy to get as this current one. What I mean is, already have an interview waiting for me when I get there. I am still waiting to hear back from the place i had an interview at Wednesday. I am looking forward to getting started and having some cash flow. My funds are dwindling lol. 

So in anticipation of getting my own place, I have not only looked into a couple of apts in the area (studio size), I have also tried to find cheap futon couches, and a small TV, cause I’ll need them lol. I don’t plan to buy a bunch of shit, because I will not take a bunch of shit with me back to NC. I know that mom doesn’t want me to move, she thinks me staying here would save money. In a way, yeah. I will still help her with bills and stuff, but having my own place will not stop me from saving up moving money. I realize that with having my own place, I’d be stuck under contract for a year. I also know that if needed, I can buy myself out of it. Last time I just paid that last months rent in full and they were cool. So we’ll see. I’ll have to manage my funds so that I’m not without, but not doing too much splurging. While i am here, I do want to do things with mom and sis. If they are unable to move to NC, I will make sure they can come visit. There are things there I’d like to do with them too. I am looking forward to moving. Mom may not like the idea, but I need my own place for now. I will need the peace and quiet for school. I still plan to fly down to NC in August to get my school books, so I don’t have to pay for them myself. Hopefully this time I can find the books cheaper, vs paying the full price at the book store. So I’ll work on getting my state ID and I’ll do that real ID thing to get it out of the way. I am not sure how I’ll get my things back there yet, but I’ll worry about that later. If S wants to, maybe I’d fly him down and pay for a rental drive back. I dunno, but again I will worry about that when it’s time to plan. I am not against shipping my shit. I’m slowly consolidating or tossing shit I don’t need anyway. I will not be moving junk house to house. I will see if maybe I can sell some of my things on ebay or whatever. I will not be a pack rat. I keep the sentimental things, but the replaceable shit I can toss. When I get my own place, I will be buying my dishes from dollar tree, and the minimum of pots and pans that I’ll need from Walmart. Stuff that don’t cost much, and I won’t feel bad about tossing lol. I won’t get my food or cleaning supplies from dollar tree tho lol, i save that for candy and junk food haha.

How am I doing…not ok. I’m better, but not ok. I woke this morning with S on my mind and cried. I am going to have to stop reaching out. He did this morning with a good morning text, but I am trying to work on leaving him alone. I’ve sat up today and prayed over the whole situation, and for God to handle it. I can’t deal, and I’d just mess it up because of my feelings. I’m supposed to be helping him do his resume, and this was before I even left. He’s such a procrastinator, though i know he’s tired due to working 2 jobs. Still, he found time to fuck, so he can find time to do a damn resume for a job he wants. Also….if he don’t get his taxes done, he’s gonna end up owing the IRS. I don’t think he filed for an extension…I’ll give a reminder, but it’s up to him to do so. As much as I am mad at him about what happened with us, I could not wish bad on him. I mean people pay for the dirt they do, so there’s that, but I won’t pray or wish for bad to happen. I’m not evil lol. I’ll let God handle what he has to deal with, ya know.

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