It’s been about 4 weeks since I came back to NC. My Christmas was ok, not much money going on so we had a small dinner. S’s son went to Indy to spend the holiday with his mother. I guess he’ll be back sometime in the wee hours, I dunno. I will admit it has been nice not dealing with him. Anyway, Christmas was kind of boring, but it’s to be expected with someone who doesn’t really celebrate holidays. I knew this going in, so it’s not like I was surprised. I’m still looking for work, been putting in applications all over the place. I need money and fast, I still have bills to pay and plans to make.
How are things between us, bout the same really. I wasn’t expecting things to feel “brand new” but at the same time I was expecting it to be better than it was. Will it? Only God knows that, but I will tell you this…I will do what I need to do for me. I aim to be happy no matter what. I’m kind of pissed at him right now, but I won’t go into detail as to why. All I know is, I won’t put up with bullshit this time. For the most part things have been good, but my trust level is not nearly as high as it was in the beginning. I knew I was taking some sort of risk in coming back, and only God knows if it was worth it. I will not deal with the things that broke my heart over and over, I did not come back for that. For that, I can be alone. I’m a good person, a loving woman, and I deserve to be treated as such. I’m just in my feelings right now, but it’ll pass. I just pray that God allows one of these full time, decent paying jobs, to come my way in the next two weeks. I almost lost out on some things but thankfully had the money to stay current on this months bills.
I can’t sleep, I doubt I’ll be able to tonight. I have a LOT on my mind and I wish I didn’t. I do wish I was stronger and that I had better self esteem, but for now this is who I am. It’s one thing I don’t like about myself. I hate the fact that I have to deal with anxiety. It’s the main reason it’s hard for me to make friends, that and people get on my damn nerves. I pray 2020 is better to me than the past few years. I’ve had enough stress.