Sometimes

I wish I had stayed where I was in NC and stayed in a hotel til I could get my own or whatever. Seems no matter what decision I make about MY life, someone will be upset or disappointed. So ok, when I first moved back here I had no intentions of going back. However, I did plan to get my own place eventually. Mom then goes on how I should stay with them and save money so we all can move to NC. She was thinking  Charlotte. I still wanted to get my own place though, for privacy reasons. She then started planning that we should put our money together. At the state of mind I was in, I half heartedly considered saving up once I started working. After all, I do want mom and sis closer to me, though I had no plans to live with them long term. Well after some time and everything as I talked more with S, mom kept asking if I was gonna go back, or she’d say she had a feeling I would. The idea wasn’t set in stone yet, but I was considering it, but she had her heads up about the idea. She still wants to get out of Indy, it’s just been hard for her. She struggles so much.

Anyway I guess she forgot about all that. She knows we talk more, and she knows I’m going to visit him in a couple weeks. Today we are out and she was asking me if I was ok with moving to charlotte. Me, thinking she means for her and my sister, said yeah. Later on, she goes “so you’re sure you’re ok with moving to Charlotte?” And I said quickly, without much thought, “I’m not moving to charlotte.” She asked where I was going and if I was going back with S. I told her long ass time ago I may, so why she had in her mind that I was moving with her I don’t know. She got an attitude, and said “well I’ll just move to Texas then”. My brother and other sister live there. She says “I was gonna move there to be closer to you” and went on about how she can’t do it alone, then was like well I’ll just stay here. I like Indy, just not the cold.

So I was kind of pissed off because here’s the thing, whether I was moving to my own place here or another state entirely (with or without S), she would do this. She would try to guilt trip me about my choice. As if I’m supposed to stop doing what I want/need to for my own life, put my life on hold (again), to please them. Not to say I don’t want to please them, but most of my life I have spent putting my life on hold. Hell, when I first said I was going to move into my very first apt, she was making feel bad for wanting to do that. If she had it her way, all her kids would live with her. She is a “mother hen” lol, which isn’t a bad thing,  but at the same time she forgets that we are all adults. She told me she was disappointed, which upset me. Not cause I’m going back with S (not sure when), but because I’m not staying here to help her save. And to be honest, saving with her would not be easy. She spends on impulse and that drives me crazy. I wouldn’t save much and would be stuck.

I want my mom closer to me and I will do everything in my power to get her and sis to NC. I just want to live life my way. I feel bad for feeling that way, but I don’t think it’s selfish to want to do your own thing. I have spent most of my life doing what people want me to do. Even if I was just moving into my own place here, she’d be like that. I know she loves me and is glad I’m here, but she did not pay attention to the last conversation about where I may end up living. She just continued to plan as if I was set in stone to stay here. She was like, “I thought you moved away cause you couldn’t find a job” so did she think that was my main reason for moving back here to Indy?

Yeah I know, considering the shit I dealt with in the past few years in this relationship with S, that this could be a stupid idea. I also know where things are now and then, better than she could know. Believe me I have worried, stressed, and prayed over this whole thing. The way things have gone, I feel that this time things will stick. Could be they don’t, but either way I was planning on moving back to NC anyway. S has really been going on about having me back there and us working on our relationship the good and the bad. Something we hadn’t done since the beginning. I know how fickle he can be, but I also know he’s full of shit. I love him and he loves me and apparently we’re not done yet.

So yeah, since that last talk with mom, she says she’s ok and that she had a feeling I may go back. Thing is, when she heard S and I planned to get married (told her this about 3 years ago) and she was sad cause that meant I may not ever move back home with her. Sooo you’d be ok with me being heartbroken after a breakup so I could live with you for the rest of my life to make you happy? When I had my own place I spent all the time I could with her and sis, so it’s not like I would desert them. Just seems no matter what decision I make, someone is disappointed. Now had I chosen to hurt S instead and stay here, that would be because I felt that the best choice for me. Not cause I wanted to please mom. Ugh what a situation to be in. Had I just stayed there, I wouldn’t have gotten her hopes up by moving back.

She barley gave me time to grieve the relationship before jumping into the plans for me to help everyone move to NC. She’s been trying but like I said it’s been a struggle. I will say I hope that I find a decent job there this time. I really would like to save up so mom and sis can move there too. If not I’ll just be making trips to Indy often. I do love my family, but I honestly can’t live with them long term. They drive me crazy lol. I’d much prefer to live alone anyway, if I’m gonna be honest lol. However, since I still have S in my life I’d like to at least see where this goes.

I feel so bad about mom, but this is what I wanna do. I do love them you know, and I want I’m see them blessed and happy for once.

I also wanted to add though, that once mom calmed down she told me that all that matters is that I’m happy and that she’d rather me be happy than to be unhappy. I guess saying she’d sacrifice being happy for her children to be. So yeah she’s a good mother, but she can be mean sometimes with her words. I don’t want her to be unhappy for my sake though. I just want to do what works for me but still want my mom to be happy.