Such craziness

So this damn virus is wreaking havoc all over the world. It’s like world has shut down, even they could have helped prevent the spread by being clean all this damn time anyway. Then comes the mass hysteria (thanks to the media coverage) and people clearing shelves all over the world. It makes it hard for us who don’t have emergency money to get what we need. We did manage to grab quite a bit, only missing out on a few items. It’s just been crazy. Jobs being put on hold, or converted to working from home. Schools are closing, business and restaurants are closing or at best going to delivery/pick up only. I’ve been sitting in the house for 3 months or so trying to wait for work, and I finally get hired somewhere and i have to wait. I still have the job, but I have to wait until things die down before my new start date is announced. It sucks because I have no money, and just recently got my refund. So what I had planned to spend of it, I’m holding back on. I took care of the basics with my credit cards and phone, but now I feel like I have to hold on to what I have until I know when I’ll be working. I finally get to where I can leave the house, and now I’m stuck. I’m so tired of doing nothing but housework and school work with hardly anyone to talk to for most of the day. I hope this passes quickly because I’m just tired of being bored and doing the same thing everyday. I pray for those affected and I also pray that this thing passes quickly so we can get back to life. So many things are being affected by this and I’m tired of hearing about it. UGH, but whatever I do thank God I still have the job and that we can at least keep food and rent paid. I just pray this doesn’t go on for months like some are saying, the economy is gonna suck if it continues like this.

Anyway when I get done here I am gonna work on this damn project I have been putting off for so long. I really don’t feel like doing it. It involves research and then a 5 page essay. All of this written in APA style too, like WTF. All of my other classes have been MLA, so now I have to switch to something I’ve never used. Thankfully he’s included a link that shows an example of what goes on it, but still I just wish they had one type cause this switching stuff annoys me when I already don’t feel like doing it lol. So many times I wanna just quit, like for real. Tired of doing this, but at the same time I really want this degree. I hope that when summer comes I can take some of these classes online because if I’m gonna be working, I can’t miss too much work trying to get to class. If my schedule sticks for an entire semester I can do some classes in the morning before work. So we’ll see. I’ve got a lot of catching up to do, and it’s hard to stay motivated. I have so much on my mind that I have to snap myself out of it, in order to get anything done. I’m tired of feeling down, worried, unsure. I’m ready for something real to take place in my life.

So what’s going on with me personally? Yeah….that in itself could be a whole entry by itself. I don’t feel like it, so I’ll summarize here lol. Basically I am not happy, not as much as I’d like to be anyway. As much as I wanna be, I can’t be happy just yet. I have too much going on. How I stay sane, I don’t know. When I moved here, I hoped for so much more, for some type of change. This work situation has been such a drag on my nerves, especially since it also affects my credit. It has taken quite a dip, and it hurts. I was on the path to better until I moved back here. I’ve scrambled so much to keep money afloat, only asking for help if I need it. I’ve had to deal with the effects of lack of money does on the household and my relationship. Things are not quite as bad, but by no means is it much better. I think S has gone back to being complacent. I mean after all, I have come back to him (again) and I think he assumes I wouldn’t leave again. Financially I am stuck, so there’s that but once I’m back on my feet my options open. If he can’t give me what I need I can’t continue. I got more from him when we were apart than when we are together. I noticed things that he does that affect my mood, yet if I talk about them I know I’ll get BS answers. Some things he doesn’t think I notice and if he feels something I’ve seen affects my mood, he’ll try to act loving for the moment. I just roll my eyes. I guess it’s hard for some people to just do right, like fuck you and your feelings, but be sure to take care of mine. I’ve encountered more blatant lies, so that part hasn’t changed. I don’t feel as confident about us as I once did upon arriving here. I have tried talking to him about what I need, and for the most part he’s attempted to do that. Now though, I see things slowly falling back to where they were. I still see attitude when money is low and he can’t do what HE wants/needs although it’s not as bad as before. I just still feel the pressure and it brings back old memories and feelings. He couldn’t get through his head that I can’t help my situation. I can’t make money appear and I can’t make people hire me. Every once in a while the old ass pops through when things aren’t moving fast enough. He didn’t even express any form of excitement when I got the interview, or the job. Then when I don’t answer his antics, he apologizes cause he knows he’s being an ass. He seems to be trying in that sense, but he can’t help himself sometimes and it’s just so stressful. I knew what i was facing coming back here, but this is the last time, the last chance if you will. If this does indeed end, I am NOT coming back, even if that means blocking him on all avenues to avoid any temptation. He’s more than shown me what his priorities are, and I am not so sure I am one of them.

We have yet to sit down and talk about what went wrong and why I left. I honestly believe he thinks I left because he felt we needed a break to put things into perspective. That’s his level of arrogance talking, because if he were to admit his wrong doing or accept accountability, we could have saved all this time trouble AND money a long ass time ago. We’d be more close now, and perhaps even married. By now we should have been. We were supposed to get engaged within a few months of me moving here the first time. It went from talking about it and doing ring shopping, to nothing. No explanation, no apology, nothing. According to him, we couldn’t move forward until the money situation was under control. So basically I was the hold up. Never mind the fact that you have to feed into a relationship for it to work. You can’t just sit it on a shelf and hope it stays fresh while you wait for money, only pulling it down off the shelf when times are good. I mean what happens if/when we get to a point where we are more financially set than we are now? Do I then get the love and respect and quality time I deserve? That I crave? It just doesn’t seem right. Yes, doing things together, some things, take money we don’t have, I get that. But, do we neglect us until things get better? Sex alone is NOT gonna save us, and that still seems to be a top priority in HIS life. It’s not as fun anymore, and at times feels like a chore. I want a normal sex life, and this one is not. I don’t get to enjoy it much, not that he notices. He’s too arrogant to think otherwise. It’s come to be expected anymore, and he’ll be more open to doing that then actually spending quality time. Instead it’s watching him play games on his cell phone, text, or scroll through news feeds or other websites.

I know that whenever I get up the nerve to talk about what bothers me, what I need, I don’t really get undivided attention. If there is  a break in the talk, he doesn’t try to follow up. Anytime I bring up something I’ve noticed, he’ll be quiet for a good while before responding. Perhaps trying to come up with a lie that’s believable?? Not that any of them are, but he’s cool if i leave it be after he tells them. I don’t half trust what he says anymore anyway, but I know that if I press he’ll start getting defensive and that side I don’t care for. It sucks, but I walked into this. So when things start to look up for ME, I’m gonna be working on my backup plan. I hate this idea, cause of all the time spent and energy, but it’s killing me to be so unhappy for so long. We don’t even talk about plans to make marriage happen (though i’m not feeling that desire much anymore for that), like we’re just waiting. I will not wait another 3 years or so. FUCK THAT! I’m embarrassed that I’ve been so stupid when it comes to him, and as of right now I don’t feel good about my situation. I’m just gonna continue to do what I need to to survive, but keep my plans in place to follow where my happiness is. Even if it’s without him…. It’s up to HIM to make us work, because I’m quite tired of giving so much of myself. I’m done pushing, if it happens it happens, if not…either way I will be happy.

Ok it ended up being more than a summary haha, but I needed to vent. I’m just so mentally drained and talking about it helps. I pray I can start my job soon, so I can move forward from here. Either way, I gotta take care of ME!