Why is this so damn hard?

I keep trying to phsych myself up to say I wanna go home. Why is it that every time I get a little bit of courage, I chicken out at the last minute. My anxiety gets the best of me then I’m dealing with that plus the fact that I’ve just prolonged the inevitable. I love him, but I can’t be here anymore. I’ve toyed with talking it out, writing it out, or just leaving and letting him figure it out. As of late he’s been nicer, but the lack of attention is the same as well as only wanting sex vs spending time messes with my head and my heart. My issue is that I did not move here for sex alone, I did not move here to shack up, and I did not move here to have my feelings and emotions torn to shreds, and when you’re feeling better, I’m supposed to forget im hurt and act like I’m ok. Cause you know, God forbid you be held accountable for your actions.

There are things that happened anywhere from 2 months ago to 2 years ago that still hurt like hell. I wasn’t allowed to “bring up the past” so I never got closure. I never got real apologies. Some were sincere but the actions didn’t follow through. There are things I know he’s done, that he’s lied or would lie about so i can’t talk to him about it. There are things I have never mentioned to anyone. Things I should have left him for a long time ago. Why is leaving hard? Why am I so scared of his reaction that I hold it inside? I need prayers cause for real I need to go.

I just wanna leave without telling him. It may backfire if I do, I dunno. Thankfully he’s not the type to hit but emotionally I can’t do it anymore.  Knowing he feels he could give up or “lose patience” one day on this “relationship”  I have not been really looking for work here. I don’t think there is anything here and I have no reason to stay. I don’t trust him anymore anyway.

I need to get away . My goal is April 21, at the latest. It’s close to the end of my semester and gives me a bit more time to get ready. I just need to have that talk.

 

 

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1 week ago

I hope you soon feel peace no matter which way you decide to go.

1 week ago

@wildrose_2  Thank you!! I have plenty of reason to leave it’s just so hard to say what I’m feeling. In the past it’s just backfired when I said what bothered me. I’m just tired of hurting.

1 week ago

@sweet-n-simple Do you really think having a talk with him will help because if I remember correctly, you’ve had talks before.

1 week ago

@wildrose_2 this talk would be telling him I plan to go. Not really interested in trying to work it out. It’s his reaction that scares me. Like he would act like I did him wrong and act funny or ignore me and I still have to see him everyday

1 week ago

@sweet-n-simple Maybe it would be best not to tell him and just leave.  You can tell him after the fact if you want to and why you left and that it is over.

1 week ago

@wildrose_2 I’ve really been thinking about doing that. It would bd easier, tho being the type of person I am I’d still feel bad. At the same time I’d still do it. I left my ex this way, only it was easier cause we didn’t live together. I’ve been thinking about packing up and shipping what won’t fit in suitcases. I will be trying to figure out my best game plan. I plan to leave and move back to Indy. NC apparently isn’t for me. Neither is he

1 week ago

@sweet-n-simple I wish you the best when it comes to handling things the way you want to.  You take care.

1 week ago

@wildrose_2 it’s just never easy when it comes to discussing my feelings. He’ll say he’s not bothered but act like a jackass to protect his ego

1 week ago

@wildrose_2 thank you!! You too