I keep trying to phsych myself up to say I wanna go home. Why is it that every time I get a little bit of courage, I chicken out at the last minute. My anxiety gets the best of me then I’m dealing with that plus the fact that I’ve just prolonged the inevitable. I love him, but I can’t be here anymore. I’ve toyed with talking it out, writing it out, or just leaving and letting him figure it out. As of late he’s been nicer, but the lack of attention is the same as well as only wanting sex vs spending time messes with my head and my heart. My issue is that I did not move here for sex alone, I did not move here to shack up, and I did not move here to have my feelings and emotions torn to shreds, and when you’re feeling better, I’m supposed to forget im hurt and act like I’m ok. Cause you know, God forbid you be held accountable for your actions.
There are things that happened anywhere from 2 months ago to 2 years ago that still hurt like hell. I wasn’t allowed to “bring up the past” so I never got closure. I never got real apologies. Some were sincere but the actions didn’t follow through. There are things I know he’s done, that he’s lied or would lie about so i can’t talk to him about it. There are things I have never mentioned to anyone. Things I should have left him for a long time ago. Why is leaving hard? Why am I so scared of his reaction that I hold it inside? I need prayers cause for real I need to go.
I just wanna leave without telling him. It may backfire if I do, I dunno. Thankfully he’s not the type to hit but emotionally I can’t do it anymore. Knowing he feels he could give up or “lose patience” one day on this “relationship” I have not been really looking for work here. I don’t think there is anything here and I have no reason to stay. I don’t trust him anymore anyway.
I need to get away . My goal is April 21, at the latest. It’s close to the end of my semester and gives me a bit more time to get ready. I just need to have that talk.