Breathe..

Just Breathe….I tell myself….Breathe in……and out…..It’s going to be ok.  It’s always ok.  It’s never as bad as you think it will be.  Breathe…..Clench fists together….release….

My stomach is in knots and my head is in the clouds.  My anxiety has been overcoming me terribly for the past months.  I know a lot of it is resulting from things I do in my life that aren’t good…but it certainly can’t all be from that, can it?  I mean…why do I wake up almost every single morning feeling like I’m pathetic and worthless and have no reason to get out of bed?  I do have reasons…important enough that I’m not going to screw them up.  Well, work.  Work would be it.  And humility.  Who would ever understand if I just gave in to the way I truly feel and holed up in my room with my thoughts and plans? 

I’m just hurting.  So.  Incredibly.  Bad.

My life is not what I wanted it to be.  If I could see it clearly, through un drug/alcohol induced eyes…I would see that it’s probably not too bad.  But what am I DOING?  WHAT HAVE I DONE WITH MY 25 YEARS?  A lot of partying.  A few crashed cars.  Caused heartache and pain to someone who was once an amazingly soft man.  I don’t like any of this anymore.  I don’t want it.  But I know that as soon as I get out of where I’m at, the cycle will return. 

I’m so tired of hating myself.  I’m so tired of being a shitty person.  I have a wonderful boyfriend (be-it neglegent)….and a terrible yearning for men….

I’m a bad cookie…and part of me wants to embrace that terribly fun and disaturous side of me. 

The other part knows that will not end well…

But I want it…