What the hell. What the god damn hell. I am so unsure of myself right now as I guess I have been most of my damn life if I’m honest. Maybe most of us are. I was doing great and almost…almost made it to 2 weeks sober. I was feeling so proud of myself, albeit frustrated with a lot of things around me in my environment and with boredom and feeling left out of things…BUT I was feeling PROUD and that isn’t something that comes my way often.
I’ve been proud of myself for losing weight and eating my healthy keto diet for over a year now. (drinking ruins it for me sometimes but consistency has helped me stay pretty steady).
I’ve been proud of myself for running and accomplishing my first 2 5k’s last year.
I’ve been proud of myself for getting up early and getting to the gym before work (it’s slipping again lately but I damn well better get my ass up tomorrow morning after a sober night!!!)
I was proud…up until like 2 weeks ago when I decided I would drink on a Sunday. That turned into black out, fall down, shit faced and depressed on Monday morning me. And what so easily happens is I get so mad at myself, so ashamed…that the only thing I want to do is drink it all away.
My boyfriend got me some pot to try to help me not drink. Well I wish he wouldn’t have because now I’m back to doing both together and it makes me black out blinko in no time.
I’m so sick of myself but I have to stay positive. I didn’t drink a ton last night but I know what it started doing to me and it makes me make bad fucking decisions. I want to be in control. Not the alcohol.
I want RECOVER……DON’T I? Do I? I’m so lost. But if I think that living this way for the rest of my life is going to be all fun and games that’s a crock of you know what. I don’t want to be depressed anymore. No more than normal at least. I can handle normal depression. I can handle anxiety. But when it comes from poor decisions and regrets it really fucking kills me and makes my head crazy.
I want better. So badly. I want to do better.
Strength…I need to find my strength again.
No melting down. Recover.