Letting go might be harder than I thought

It’s Been a bit and work has been a whirlwind. but the following is regarding Mike:

3 phones, a flash drive, and the cloud with:

A few pictures

41 voicemails

Text messages going back from 2015

Social media messages going back from 2013

Debit card pin is his birthday

Phones unlock code is his and his girls birth month

I don’t want to/can’t change or delete none of the above, and if this was someone else I would say that they will need to do that eventually…maybe I will but not at this time. Monthly I do listen to the most recent voicemails and read the text messages or social media messages. Sometime I sleep with the shirt he got me monthly, I sleep with the teddy bear he got me on my bed head a couple days a month. It’s like I’m haunting myself with the memories of him. I might be torturing myself on a relationship that some may say was a waste of time but I’m not in denial so regardless of everything I miss him and love him even in death.  I tell you that losing someone living without them hurts but the memories that replay in your head is what kills you. Mike was my first love, my best friend, the closest person to me, the person that knew me better than anyone, the person I can vent to, the person I could tell anything to…we had a few down days every now and then but overall we had a good relationship and I know he loved me. He bought both happiness and sadness to my life, a little more happiness than sadness if you ask me. What it is it they say: when it going good it’s going great but when it’s bad it’s awful…in my case when it was bad it was sadness, loneliness, and neglection. I’m not sure if it’s that I can’t let go or that I don’t want to let go…or maybe it’s a little of both. Maybe I’m might be scared to let go because that will eventually mean forgetting him, which I don’t want to do or even know that I can do or want to do. I do know he wants me to live my life so working on letting go without completely letting go is going to take me the whole of 2019, I have not started working on myself in regards to that yet, but I will slowly but surely. They say if you can love the wrong person so much, imagine how much you can love the right person…we’ll see how that goes even though I’ve sworn off love for now.





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January 19, 2019

Just for the record I still love my ex even though he also died a couple of years ago but we have been apart for more then 20 years.  The reason I still love him is because he gave me his son who I got to raise into a productive human being.  And what you had was not a waste of time.  There must have been something about him that you loved and that is why you stayed as long as you did.  People have no right to tell you anyone is a waste of time because they are not you.  It’s you that have to decide what is good for you and what isn’t good for you.

January 19, 2019

I am so sorry hun.. I can’t even imagine the hole that is in your heart. I am sorry that you are having a hard time.. I hope that time brings you some sort of peace. *hugs*