It’s been a while but one year has come and gone since Mike died…the man that I had set was for me, the man I truly believed I had a future with. It seems so unreal he’s been gone a year, but I can’t explain in what way. I have watched a soap and tv show where someone died this week and it hit me…yes I cried. Both the show and soap they we’re able to spend the last moments/say goodbye, as devastating as that was for them and must be some kind of relief right. Even though we talked 2-3 times a day I never got to do what they were able to do because I wasn’t there. I just keeping thinking back on the last full phone call we had how I was more worried about him more than the other times he went into the hospital and I wanted to go see him and he asked me if I was afraid of losing him and I told him no and he told me not to worry and how he didn’t want me to see him in the hospital so I went along with what he wanted but still feeling an urge to want to see him. I guess you can say it was a sixth sense kind of thing, but I wasn’t afraid of losing him because I didn’t think I would but boy was I wrong. So needless to say I’m kind of feeling some type of way I can’t describe…even though I know he is watching over me and I know he was around when he died last year because of the spider incidents but I am in deep need to feel his presence/dream him so much so I am looking into healing crystals. For part time I been writing I cried and then been listening to the 41 voicemail he had left me on repeat…I know it may not be healthy but it did sooth me some. I been trying to stop living my life mourning him and start living my life honoring him…making him proud of the person I turn out to be/that he know I can be besides I know he would want the best for me including being happy.
Well better go to bed since I do have to wake up for work in about 4 hours.