One year since his death

It’s been a while but one year has come and gone since Mike died…the man that I had set was for me, the man I truly believed I had a future with. It seems so unreal he’s been gone a year, but I can’t explain in what way. I have watched a soap and tv show where someone died this week and it hit me…yes I cried. Both the show and soap they we’re able to spend the last moments/say goodbye, as devastating as that was for them and must be some kind of relief right. Even though we talked 2-3 times a day I never got to do what they were able to do because I wasn’t there. I just keeping thinking back on the last full phone call we had how I was more worried about him more than the other times he went into the hospital and I wanted to go see him and he asked me if I was afraid of losing him and I told him no and he told me not to worry and how he didn’t want me to see him in the hospital so I went along with what he wanted but still feeling an urge to want to see him. I guess you can say it was a sixth sense kind of thing, but I wasn’t afraid of losing him because I didn’t think I would but boy was I wrong. So needless to say I’m kind of feeling some type of way I can’t describe…even though I know he is watching over me and I know he was around when he died last year because of the spider incidents but I am in deep need to feel his presence/dream him so much so I am looking into healing crystals. For part time I been writing I cried and then been listening to the 41 voicemail he had left me on repeat…I know it may not be healthy but it did sooth me some. I been trying to stop living my life mourning him and start living my life honoring him…making him proud of the person I turn out to be/that he know I can be besides I know he would want the best for me including being happy.

Well better go to bed since I do have to wake up for work in about 4 hours.

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Ren
May 6, 2019

I stayed obsessed for several months listening to voicemails and staring at photos and working myself into a sobbing frenzy. Have you watched “Sorry For Your Loss” on facebook watch? It’s a real take on a woman who loses her man and goes through a realistic grieving process. I joined the community too. I hope you have a good day at work.

May 9, 2019

@lotussangues Sorry For Your Loss is on my to watch list

May 6, 2019

I know when my grandmothers died I din’t go see them before they died and at first I thought I was a crappy grand daughter for not going but then I realized that I still have all the good memories of what they said and looked like and I didn’t have to see them when they were at their worst.  So maybe it a good thing you didn’t see him at his worst and you still got all those great memories of you and him.

May 6, 2019

Do what you need to do for you. Don’t worry what others think about what you do. Do what soothes. Grief is like a diamond… it’s forever. But it can gradually not have such a sharp bite. No regrets hon. You did what he wanted you to do. You have better memories that had you seen him in the hospital. Hold to those.

May 6, 2019

Grief is such an overwhelming part of our lives. Eventually you will learn to work around it. I compare it to people who lost chunks of brain but the rest of their brain compensates in time. It feels like that to me, anyway. Right now, it is still a real obstacle, I get it. I wish you all the healing you can get.

May 6, 2019

I’m so very sorry for your deep loss.

This entry broke my heart. I hope you are well and finding some peace *hugs*

June 4, 2019

Grieving is different for everyone. Allow yourself to grieve how you need to grieve. Sounds like you both had something special and rare. Cry if you need to cry. I always wonder how I am going to feel when the one person that I truly did love passes.