5-7-25, No meaning

Toska (Russian, тоска)

Vladimir Nabokov defined it as “a sensation of great spiritual anguish, often without any specific cause.” It can mean anything from vague restlessness to deep, soul-crushing grief.

___

I don’t feel like I have a single person who knows all my deepest secrets, stories, and thoughts. My sister is close but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to admit that I was addicted to opiates for 7 years (I’m sure she knew). Honestly, only a handful of people are privy to that. And all but one is because they used to use with me.

I’m clean now, have been for 2.5 years but I’ve always had this pit of loneliness, sadness, and existential meaninglessness about my life. Always wanting to not exist without have the courage to, actualize not existing. That’s probably why I fell into such a deep addiction and other risky coping mechanisms and addictions or self harm, that my body and mental health is paying the price for.

It’s not like I don’t feel happiness and joy either. I laugh and smile still everyday – but I also have constant anxieties and fears and the feeling of wanting to crawl into a corner and be invisible usually overshadows doing anything else: working, talking, walking, showering, sleeping, anything and everything…

I always feel like there’s something wrong with me and not knowing what that is crushes my soul. I saw a doctor who soft diagnosed me with bipolar disorder 2, and found a little comfort in that. But he’s not a psychiatrist and even if her were, do I even have the ability to trust anyone’s opinions if I can’t even trust my own?

I just wish there was more purpose to my existence. I wish my life had meaning. I wish my life had more joy and less despair.

/rant