All I had to do was …

say something, and everything started moving.

I wasn’t sleeping.  He would wake up and check in with his ipad, then go back to sleep, while I sat and looked out the window at the city lights.  I had stuff to tell him.  Not easy stuff and I was suffocating by keeping it inside.  This all started to feel a lot like that last years in my marriage.  No talking … and then Dennis died and any chance of talking was gone.  That was a lesson for me to learn, and here I am in the same lesson and choking on my words … and then Russell asked “whatcha thinkin about?”  “My life … “, I said and then nothing.  He wanted to be included in my thoughts, but because I had to tell him the decision I made, that’s all I got out.  I crawled back into bed. His hands reached between my legs and played.  I tried to relax.  I tried to allow myself to feel pleasure … to receive the pleasure he was giving me … but I was so plugged up with anxiety that eventually he stopped playing with me and started playing with himself until he asked if he could cum.  “yep”, I said, and he did, then rolled over and went back to sleep.  I cried silently.  Self-defeating talk took over.  WTF is wrong with me???  Omg it was awful.  The old self-hate was clawing it’s way back into my soul.  WTF is wrong with me?? WTF is wrong with me?? over and over and over, those words repeated in my head, and then out of nowhere I stood up to that lie, and said “NOTHING IS WRONG WITH ME DAMMIT”  I am allowed to feel, and I am allowed to not feel.  There is Nothing wrong with me.  Somehow courage and love and forgiveness, and all those yummy words took over.  I showed up.

We laid side by side, not touching each other, not saying anything, and then I started talking.  I told him about my SRT and that I went into it with the desire to focus on different aspects of my life, and that our relationship was one of those aspects … and then it just came out … “I showed up honey …… (big breath) I won’t show up next time”.  He quietly said, “I know”.  He Did have an inkling.  It was as if the dam broke and released me to flow along with the current.  I spoke from my heart, and then he spoke from his.  We talked.  We listened.  We cried.  We talked some more.  Energy started moving between us.

We talked all day in fact, and it was one of the best days I’ve ever had.

It’s two days later now as I write this, and there have been ups and downs.  We are adjusting to the fact that when he drops me off at my car on Saturday, that our relationship will be different.  We’ve agreed to no longer talk or message each other, and that emailing is okay.  However, if shit hits the fan in either one of our lives and we need the other, that all we have to do is reach out.  That’s how our relationship started in the first place, so perhaps this will be like a reset.  We both have things to take care of in our lives, and some of the stuff I need to do, I need to do without distraction.  I was overcome with fear of my future (without Russell) yesterday.  Am I making the right decision?? … guess what helped?  Talking to him about it.  He told me he’s on the road to nowhere because I won’t be in his life, but he agrees and accepts the truth in my decision.  We talked and talked, and the energy between us moved some more.

I have no idea where this decision will take me … or him … or Us for that matter.  All I know is that I trust that everything will be okay.