An addition to …

… the daily must-do’s is decompression at the end of the day.  Evenings are the most difficult time of the day for me regardless of it being winter or summer, spring or fall … evenings suck!  I can’t say it’s still the residual from decades of getting high in the evenings, and thank God I’m not turning to alcohol.  I went through a time of being busy in the evenings, joining clubs, workshops and going to the gym, but all that did was burn me out.  Then I tried to scale back the busyness with evenings at home, and that seemed to work pretty okay.  However, what if there aren’t any workshops or clubs out there to join, and what if I prefer going to the gym in the mornings?  At about 7:00 I’m usually in such a foul and self-defeating mood that my thoughts only go to the shit stuff … and I totally know better than that, so wtf!!  Last night I allowed myself to open ‘that’ door to the dark side of my emotions.  If evenings are so shitty, then there should be a reason right?  I mean it’s been like this going on 12 or 13 years … it’s a lot better than it was for sure, but there is Still something that affects my evenings.  Turns out I’m angry Lol …. Ya, shut the door on that thank you very fucking much!!  Which is exactly what I did when I realized what it was.  Anger scares me.  It scares me when I see it in other people, and it scares me when I see it in myself.  I don’t think it’s the anger itself that scares me, it’s the reasons behind the anger … sigh …… this is one of those times when I wish I had a therapist to be in the room when I dissect the reasons, but I don’t.  After I closed the door to the dark side, I had a bath and (re)discovered decompression … nothing new by any means … I think it’s Step 10 actually … I reviewed my day, the experiences and my emotions, and where I did good, and where I could have done better.  Yesterday, I did good babysitting my dad so mom could have coffee with Kaity.  At one point he said how much he misses his grandkids and he thinks about it every day.  It was a rare moment of pure honesty from him (because mom is always there).  Then he said, “I just have to be strong and suck it up.”  There were no words to comfort him because it was the choices He made that’s the reason he doesn’t see his grandkids and great-grandkids now.  I told him I think about it too every day, even if it isn’t in the front of my mind, it’s Always there.  I said it’s a shitty situation … and then I can’t remember what else I said, but it wasn’t very much.  I was dead inside when I spoke.  I felt sorry for him, but at the same time he’s the one who fucked up.  He said it makes a big difference having me, Danitra et al, and Shantal in his life, but I wonder if he realizes how fucking hard it is … for me anyway because I can’t speak for anyone else …… I did good, and my victim voice was all over me last night because of that.  When I decompressed in the tub, I spoke directly to my victim voice and acknowledged her pain and anger and confusion still over the actions of someone else and how it changed everything in her world … my grampa did what he did to me when I was little and pretty sure I’ve processed a good chunk of that …. but …. the shit with my dad??  I was an adult when it all came out, an adult with childhood abuse who didn’t protect her own children from someone who was supposed to be perfect …. sigh ……………………….. I am I choose I am I choose I am I choose