Chris and Nikki …

… had their first child yesterday and he is a miracle.  He was born with a broken arm and wasn’t breathing for about five minutes, so even though he’s a big boy at over 8 lbs, he will be kept in ICU for two weeks for special care.  When Chris sent me a picture of Jaxon Roy, I fell in love with the little fighter.  He’s going to be just fine and I can hardly wait to hold him.  I didn’t realize this until laying in bed last night, that I am officially a Great Auntie … omgoodness that had a strange feeling to it, but I like it.  Chris has had his share of struggles in his life and Nikki brings out the best in him, and now this little baby has made him a daddy:)

They handed out Christmas bonuses on Friday, so I spent part of it on a memory foam mattress topper.  One of my OD  friends bought one recently and raved about it for the body aches she experiences, so I figured I’d give it a try too.  Sleep last night was amazing.  Pain in my back and shoulders didn’t wake me up once in the night, and it wasn’t too hot.  I found a king size one that was $30. less than a double … discontinued brand … so even though it hangs over the sides of my bed 18″ each side, I saved money And I got a good night sleep.  I may trim it down to fit proper, but maybe not.

We got dumped on Saturday night so when I got home from Kaity’s I had shovelling to do … good exercise, but when I was done, I was vibrating from the exertion.  I can see how heart attacks happen from shovelling, and really need to remind myself that it’s not a race to get it done in ten minutes.  Mindful shovelling required hahahaha  I laugh, but it’s true:)

When I got home from doing tubs, there were two handsaws at my back door … I figured they were from John so texted him and asked.  He said to make sure and wear gloves when using them because they are super sharp.  He’s so generous, and even though we ‘called it quits’ I don’t think I’ve lost a friend.  I pushed away the thought that he only gave me the saws so I would let him into my bed again …. see how fucking twisted my headspace is?????  Not cool!!! and not fair to the kind man I know John to be.

How does one stop expectations?  That was the question of the day yesterday.  Being aware that I have expectations is a good start, but how do I stop, and is it even possible to stop?  It’s almost like a riddle to me.  One of John’s comments in his string of strange messages on Saturday was “I think we both expected something from the other person” and I immediately thought, “I didn’t expect anything from you John”, but upon reflection, I really did have expectations, which made me wonder if that’s just part of being human.  I expected ease and a certain amount of freedom in our relationship, and I expected acceptance …. and, I expected (hoped) for a breakthrough with the broken sex stuff that I so desperately want fixed …. and That was the underlying expectation that was damaging … at least from my side … and then there’s my kids and the expectations I have of them … and then what about the expectations I have of other people in my life, even strangers?  When I smile at someone, I “expect” them to smile back, but that doesn’t always happen and that makes me feel a certain way.  Is there such a thing as healthy expectations?  Maybe it’s a matter of changing my expectations so I don’t ‘depend’ on them to …….. ahhhhhh I had a thoughtball, and then it disappeared!!!!  I think I’m on to something though ……….